PROLOGUE
The Genii had come to Atlantis to seek refuge. So too had the many Athosians because the Wraith were on a warpath after Atlantis returned to the Pegasus galaxy, and were culling every planet associated with the people from Atlantis.
Or so the Genii had led the Lanteans to believe.
In truth, it had been nothing but a ploy to covertly take out everyone in the city and gain the upper hand in the galaxy. Due to the quick actions of the gate techs, word of a foothold situation was sent to Earth through the gate, before the Genii took over the control room and disrupted all communications, life support, and access to the Stargate.
The devastation was horrendous. Not only were enormous sections of the piers blown to bits, the civilian and military casualties were devastating. In fact, it was so bad that if someone wasn’t paying attention to what was ahead of them, tripping over bodies while running for cover would be a common sight.
There was smoke and fire everywhere. Gun fire, shouting, cries, blood, more gun fire and more smoke. There was no air circulation apart from the air coming in from the broken windows from labs, rooms, and hallways.
Genii soldiers had blown up the auxiliary control room with homemade bombs. Every now and then someone would voice his thoughts about how the pride of Atlantis, the team led by Colonel Sheppard, had shown the Genii C4 and how a certain scientist had basically given the Genii the secret recipe to said C4 explosives. Said team was also called a great range of names, with ‘a bunch of morons’ being the kindest.
However, that same scientist was currently trying to get the gate back under his control on his own as his trusty side kick, Radek Zelenka, had been one of the first fatalities. To ensure that Earth could send reinforcements, that same colonel was watching the scientist’s back between trying to save people in the corridors and barricading their base of operations.
“John, you need to allow me to have a look at that,” Dr. Gutierrez’s voice sounded from somewhere behind him.
Dr. Elsa Gutierrez had been with him in the mess hall when the Genii initially attacked, and he had made sure that she stuck by him during the attack as the Genii were hellbent on killing everyone on Atlantis on sight, doctor or not. It turned out to be a good decision, as there were a lot of wounded people with them at that very moment.
“I’m fine, Elsa,” Sheppard replied. “It’s only a flesh wound,” he continued, while he stacked a box on another for cover. “How’s it going, McKay? We can’t stay here much longer.”
Ronon and Teyla had taken it upon themselves to head out into the city with a bunch of marines to kill as many Genii as possible. Without communication, though, it was virtually impossible for them to keep the colonel – the highest ranking officer left on Atlantis – up to date about their progress.
The relationship between the Lanteans and the Genii had always been rocky, but they had forged an uneasy allegiance as they both were strong forces in the Pegasus Galaxy and in a way, had the same objective: eliminate the Wraith and bring peace back into Pegasus. As with every human faction, from Earth or otherwise, there had been some rotten apples in the Genii’s command structure. However over the years even they seemed to have accepted the partnership and became helpful allies in the fight against the Wraith.
But the Lanteans had been duped and that alliance was currently screwing their asses.
Sure, they had had the Genii on Atlantis before, but they hadn’t expected their forces to be that great in numbers. Even restricting their movements and access to one of the unpopulated areas of Atlantis had clearly been a bad idea. Most of the Athosian people, women and children too, were amongst the first fatalities when the Genii blew up the Athosian common areas.
“Alright, I’m done here. We’ll have to get closer to the gate room now,” Rodney said, packing up his computer equipment. “I’m fairly certain that once I get to the control panels underneath the control room that I can over-ride whatever the Genii have done.”
“You’re fairly certain?” John asked, and tugged on Elsa’s sleeve to get her up and away from tending to Captain Ramsey and Dr. Molyneux.
“Yes! Yes, I’ll get it done,” McKay said with a worried expression.
“I can’t just leave them here!” the doctor cried out as she looked back at the friends they had shared dinner with just the night before.
“You’re going to have to. Besides, If McKay’s successful, we’ll be able to come back. Come on.”
Sounds of explosions continued to sound before one in a nearby corridor knocked the group to the ground as they continued on to find a way of regaining the city of Atlantis.
Chapter 01
John woke up with a headache and the inability to open his eyes. Great, he thought. I’m hungover. Although he couldn’t really remember attending a big party at all. Groaning, he rubbed his face, feeling linen cloth instead of his own skin. Practical joke… nice! he thought wryly. “Whoever did this, it’s not funny,” he sighed and started to tug on the cloth to get it off his face.
Carson Beckett looked up from one of the nearby exam beds where he was assessing another of his patients. Moving over to the wall for the comm system, he quietly alerted Doctor Carolyn Lam, the CMO of the SGC, that one of their patients had just woken up. Sighing, he ran a nervous hand through his hair as he tried to remember the plan of what they were going to say and how. There was just so much that his friend did not know and likely would not remember.
Dr. Lam walked into the extended dorm of the infirmary and looked around for the patient that she had been informed was now awake. Seeing who it was, she could not help but to curse to herself. Moving over to Sheppard’s side, she pulled his hand down gently to keep him from messing up the bandages around his head.
“Colonel,” she greeted softly. “Please remain calm. You are back at the SGC…”
He couldn’t really place the woman’s voice and sighed. “I’m probably not back at the SGC,” he said, slightly frustrated. He didn’t really mind practical jokes but he hated it when they’d prank him while sleeping off an alcohol binge. “I’m not in the mood for jokes.”
Carolyn looked up at Carson with a sorrowful expression. He came over and put a hand on John’s shoulder gently. “Aye lad, but it is true,” he said. “We are back on Earth. You were injured pretty badly, my friend.”
He frowned upon hearing Carson’s voice. “What happened?”
“What do you remember?” Carolyn asked as she softly re-adjusted his bandages.
“I was having dinner with Elsa,” he said, trying to think carefully. “Or lunch…”
Carson nodded, knowing about the little date his friends had. His colleague had planned an extended lunch on that unfortunate day. “Yes, it was lunch. What else do you remember?”
“Just tell me,” John said, frustrated, at not being able to remember anything beyond the point of that lunch and looking into Elsa’s eyes when she was laughing because of a silly joke he had made. “And why am I at the SGC? Isn’t the Atlantis infirmary good enough? And where is Elsa?” Since Elsa was a doctor, and practically married to the infirmary, he half expected her to be at the SGC as well.
The doctors looked at each other. The uncertainty of how to answer his questions was evident in the electricity of the room and in the silence that only was only broken by the faint echoes of beeping from various medical devices.
Carolyn bit her lip and sighed. “Now may not be a good time for the answers to those questions. You should let yourself rest and recover a little longer so that you can be strong enough for the information…”
John had dealt with casualties among their friends before, and he knew something was wrong. He himself had used the same words over and over again on Atlantis, when one of his people had lost their team in some way or the other. He slowly nodded, sighing. Whatever the news would be, John was now confident it was not something he wanted to hear.
“What happened, what you went through there, knowing will be hard for you, son, but you’re not alone in here,” Carson said. “I really want to ask you to behave yourself.” The doctor knew John’s track record in the infirmary all too well; the colonel hated it. “You may feel as if you’re in tip top shape, but that’s the medication talking. You’re not leaving this bed.”
“Fine,” John sulked, knowing that he’d probably be of more use doing something, anything. “Are you sure?”
“Yes John, I am,” he replied. “If I felt that you were strong enough to know all the details, you know I would tell you. However, please get some rest now. I will bring up something for you to try to eat shortly. If you can keep it down, we can remove the feeding tube.”
Feeding tube? “That bad, huh?” He sighed. “I need to stop being stupid in case things work out between me and Elsa, because she’d kill me if I’d get hurt.”
Carson didn’t reply, but did let out a disappointed sigh as he wrote updates on John’s chart. He had been happy to see the colonel and his fellow doctor forge a friendship early on and was quite proud to learn that they had also began to explore their relationship further. For Sheppard, it was a monumental step to let people into his life, past being a colleague or friend. But now, all Carson could do was pray for the man and hope he did not fall back to the dark place he found after they lost Elizabeth and during the time Teyla had been missing.
John couldn’t help but hear the alarm bells go off in his head. He didn’t remember the event that had gotten him in such a shape that he had to be fed by a tube, and Carson wasn’t answering his questions, nor did he mention Elsa in any way. “Who else is here?” he carefully asked, wishing that his brain would cooperate and do the math.
“Colonel, it’s best if you go back to sleep,” the woman’s voice sounded. “We’ll fill you in on the details later. For now, I’ll give you a sedative to help you sleep.”
“Please don’t,” he started to say, but already started to feel sleepy. He hated doctors. He could feel Carson patting him reassuringly on his arm as he slowly dozed off to his medicated dreams.
“I don’t wish to be him when it’s time to tell him what happened,” Carolyn said softly as they walked away from the colonel’s bed, now knowing why Carson had warned her that John wasn’t the easiest patient ever.
John ran through a smoke-filled corridor, being fired at by shadowy people with revolvers and real bullets, only to find himself tending to Carter’s wounds a second later while the ground shook as if something was exploding.
“Ronon’s hurt,” a disembodied voice, probably Teyla’s, said. “Torren is safe. John?”
“Carter’s gone.” His own voice echoed while the image took him to another corridor, shooting at the fuzzy people who were shooting at him. He might have been hit, but he didn’t care; he needed to do something, if only he could remember what that was. He felt the need to panic but managed to stay rather calm, even when another explosion rocked the floor beneath his feet. Damn, that had to be close.
He woke with a start, sitting up with a jolt. A burning feeling in his arms indicated that he had accidentally ripped out the tubes. It took him a moment to realize he was still in the infirmary and fell back onto his pillow. “Carter’s gone,” he muttered, “Torren’s safe…”
“Good afternoon, Colonel,” a cheerful voice sounded. One of the nurses made her way over to his bed after hearing the small commotion. “Tsk tsk, you need to be careful with your IV lines. There is very important medicine in there to help fight your infections and wounds. Now lie back and rest. Are you hungry at all? Doctor Beckett has some notes to try you on a clear liquid diet.”
“I’m not a kid,” he muttered. “I’m fine.”
The girl chuckled. “That’s what you all say. We just want to see you get better and if it takes having to mother our patients, we will do that. Now, food? Yay or nay?”
“Are you blond? You remind me of someone,” he said, carefully shaking his hurting head. “I’m fine, as in I don’t need food.” The only persons he would remotely allow to ‘mother him’ would be Teyla and Elsa, not this nurse who sounded as if she were just fresh out of med school.
“Hmm, okay then,” she said and made some noise as she wrote something on the clipboard that was hanging on the foot of his bed. “If you need anything at all, just press this buzzer and someone will be right with you,” she explained as she put the device in his good hand.
“I need to talk to Carson, or Elsa,” he said stubbornly. “That’s all I want right now.”
“Oh, okay. I’ll find Dr. Beckett for you but I don’t know any Elsa on the base. Sorry,” she said before walking out to find the man in question.
She’s still on Atlantis, John thought. Or off base… or… He sighed; he hated to lie still and be unable to do things. For some reason, they had weighed down one of his arms, and why was he blindfolded? Maybe he had been right before; he wasn’t at the SGC and maybe the Asurans had found their way back into existence. At this point, it almost seemed the most plausible explanation.
Carolyn returned after her nurse had been unable to find Carson. “Colonel Sheppard. What can I get you?” she asked as she rechecked his vitals and IVs.
“You’re not Carson,” he said, suspiciously.
“No, I’m not. I am Doctor Carolyn Lam. We met a few years ago when the expedition was recalled back to Earth. Don’t you remember?” she asked. “Dr. Beckett actually left an hour ago to check on your friend Teyla at an off-base house.”
“Teyla’s on Earth?” he asked in confusion, thinking that she’d at least be in Pegasus, maybe visiting her people in his absence. “What about Torren?”
“Her son? A cute kid. He is with her. I can see if Carson can bring them to visit you if you would like. I did hear that they have been asking about your condition often.”
“What exactly is my condition, Doc? Why have you blind folded me and weighed my arm down?”
Sighing, Dr. Lam looked at him. It was hard to keep information from patients, but she had been ordered to keep silent because of how the colonel had been known to react to such tragic news. “If I tell you, I need you to remain calm?” she asked as she made sure to double check his restraints just to be on the safe side.
“Do I have a choice?” he muttered as he could feel her tugging on something. Figures. He sighed inwardly at the possible restraints. “I’m not turning into a bug again, am I?”
“No,” she chuckled. “That is the good news.”
“Alright,” he nodded. “As long as I’m not turning into a bug, I can stay calm.”
She looked at him, scrutinizing his sincerity. “Okay then. Atlantis was attacked almost two months ago,” she said carefully, watching for his reaction.
“Two months…” He frowned. “You put me into a coma?”
“I’m sorry, but I wish that were the case. You were in coma when you were brought here. Severe head trauma, GSW to your abdomen, knife wound to your right chest wall that punctured a lung, and a number of broken bones including your right femur and pelvis,” she said reading off his chart.
It was as if she was reading from a shopping list in Walmart, but it was nothing he hadn’t had before; he had been knocked around in the past, been shot at, had broken a dozen of his bones at least twice, give or take, over the course of his career, heck, he had even crashed a helicopter or two. “You want fries with that?”
“If only it were that simple,” she said with a smile in her voice. “The head injury you sustained led to multiple blood clots. One caused an aneurysm in your ocular region which is the reason for the bandages. We are unsure of the level of vision you will have, or exactly what kind of damage there is with the scarring. I don’t believe you would like waking up and being blinded by lights that are only dim, Colonel.”
He sighed, knowing full well that due to his current condition, he would be seated at a stupid desk for the rest of his life, doing stupid paper work. “So, what does that mean? I get better, go back to Atlantis?”
Her silence then spoke volumes. Very carefully she tested the water of his mental status. “There is no more Atlantis.”
“Wait, what?!” he blurted, and regretted it the moment he did because it felt as if a nail had been driven through his head. Groaning, he wanted to rub his head, but couldn’t.
“I am sorry,” Lam said taking a deep breath. “I wish Carson were back, to be able to tell you from a witness’ point of view, but I will try with what I know from the SGC’s involvement and reports. I need you to remain collected, otherwise I will be forced to sedate you again.” Pulling out a syringe and vial from her pocket, she drew up a dose for the IV just to be ready.
“You’re telling me that my home is gone,” John said. “I will try to stay calm only because apparently, freaking out hurts my head.”
The doctor nodded even though Sheppard couldn’t see her. “The reports I read indicated there was an uprising of some sort, a power play, if you will, by the Wraith. They started with attacks on Atlantis’ allied worlds, beginning with the Athosians, which forced them to evacuate to the city. Eventually, a large Genii faction requested sanctuary, saying that their world was being attacked too, and they were brought in as well.”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but there was no Wraith uprising,” he said quickly, remembering the Genii now, telling him about the Wraith.
“There was, but it was only one hive ship. Not the intensity that the Genii claimed. That is why the Athosians were able to make it to the gate.”
“Let me guess…” He sighed. “The Genii decided to besiege us from the inside this time.”
“I am afraid so, John,” came the familiar voice of Carson, who had arrived to hear the last part of Carolyn’s explanation. She then excused herself to let the men talk amongst themselves.
“Knowing them, they’d have taken out anything of importance first, like the spare control room, didn’t they?”
“Aye,” Carson’s voice sounded. “It got really messy, really fast.”
“How many casualties?” He didn’t want to hear it, but he had to.
“There’s only a small amount of people that were lucky enough to make it, lad.” Carson gently patted him on the shoulder. “There wasn’t anything that could have been done, they had learned from their previous siege, and they had bigger numbers this time.”
John felt the tears behind his eyes, knowing that the reinforcements from Earth would probably have set the self destruct on Atlantis so that the Genii wouldn’t get it – although if he was to believe Carson, they got pretty damn close anyway.
“You’re free to roam around in this part of the city,” Richard Woolsey’s voice sounded, but all John could see were blurry people looking like they were Genii by what he could make of their clothing. “Go anywhere else, and you’ll be escorted.”
“I was responsible for the security of Atlantis and I failed,” John said softly. “It’s my fault–”
“Now now, don’t blame yourself. No one else does. Security was appropriate. They simply had a plan with multiple ways to execute it,” Carson reassured him. “You were even awarded a medal last week for your efforts in bringing who you could home.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” he said bitterly. “And the security wasn’t good enough, we should have had anticipated that they’d pull something like this,” he continued.
“Zelenka’s dead!” Rodney’s voice sounded from underneath a table in the smoke. “Oh my God, Sheppard, what the hell is going on? Get out of here, now!” Rodney pushed him out of their little alcove. “I can’t work with you breathing down my neck, I’d rather you shoot things!”
“How many casualties, Carson?” he asked again.
“Too many,” Beckett answered sorrowfully.
“That nurse… she said she didn’t know an Elsa on base…She’s gone?” he said in a small voice.
His friend looked at him, unsure of what to say. There was a lot that they didn’t know about the missing or dead. Who, when, how…Dr. Gutierrez was one of those people that they knew didn’t make it through the gate in time. “I don’t know. Last anyone knew, she was with you. No one reported seeing her when you were found unconscious by a small group of scientists on their way to the gate. We were actually hoping you could tell us when you woke up.”
“I don’t know,” he said slowly. “What about Rodney?”
Silence was the only answer as Carson found it difficult to say anything. Rodney had also been his closest friend.
“I’m sorry I failed you, Carson,” John said, quietly. It seemed as if a rug had been pulled from under him, and made his entire world collapse. He didn’t have anyone, anything, anymore and on top of that, he was sure that his Air Force career was over.
Beckett shook his head. “No, you didn’t fail us. You helped get the first of us home and held the Genii back for even longer. L’il Torren was one of the first to go through the gate to Earth as Teyla had him with her while visiting with Colonel Carter. They are okay, Teyla and the boy, and ask about you every day.”
“Not good enough,” John said. “Everyone should have made it back, Carson.”
“Colonel, they were looking to kill all of us. The fact that any of us made it was a miracle. You’re their miracle!”
“Whatever…” John sighed. He was tired all of a sudden, and all he wanted was to get out of the infirmary and just wither away in a dark place, or get drunk first and do something stupid. Life was not supposed to go this way. He knew very well what he was getting himself in to, like any of the people who had signed up for the Atlantis expedition. They all had known that the shit could hit the fan as badly as it had, but knowing didn’t make it easier, as all that he had known for the last seven years had been blasted away. His friends – family – almost all were gone.
Carson looked at John’s chart briefly before he spoke again. “I would really like you to try to eat something now. I know it will be difficult but humor me. Ronon is scheduled to return today so you may receive a visit later tonight if you are not asleep.”
“I’m not hungry,” John insisted. “And where is he coming from?”
“Just a cup of broth. Please?”
“No.”
Frustrated Carson shook his head. “I was hoping that you wouldn’t get like this. We suspected as much, but… I will have to talk to Teyla about her wishes to visit. She has been deeply worried for you.”
As much as he wanted to hear another familiar voice, he managed to shrug. “I’m not hungry, so I will not try to eat something,” he said. “I’m more than happy to leave your infirmary and manage to get around on my own.”
“You are not going anywhere, Colonel Sheppard! I know very well that you would harm yourself in some way, whether it would be some ridiculous sport or by eating your gun! Who do you think has been keeping the IOA psychologist away from you since you awoke? He’d bloody put you in a padded room the rest of your life!”
“Gee, thanks.” he said wryly.
Carson quietly asked a passing technician to dim the lights before turning back to his friend. “I want to try to take off the bandages over your eyes. Maybe if you can see things for yourself, you attitude might change a bit.”
Sighing, John nodded, realizing full well that he was being an ass. “Sorry,” he muttered.
“It is understandable you are upset. We are just trying to do what we can for you without having those that want to write you off completely see you do something stupid,” the man said as he slowly began to unravel the bandages. “You need to tell me if the room is too bright, dark, hazy…”
“I know the drill,” he said, seeing light coming through the bandages. It didn’t seem to be that bad, quite dark actually, and Carson was a little out of focus but he could feel his eyes trying to compensate. “You’re out of focus and I can make out your white coat. I think it’s okay if you switch the lights back on.”
He nodded and pressed on the comm to slowly increase the lights until John said otherwise. Carson was pleased that they were almost to being fully lit before they stopped. “That is good,” he said softly. “Can you see me any better?”
“Yeah,” he said, “you look like you’ve been through hell and back.” Carson looked tired, dark circles were underneath his eyes and he had a beard that was at least a week old. “I’m sorry,.”
“No, no,” he said waving his hand. “It’s been a long week actually. One of the gate teams came back badly injured and I was in surgery for a long time. That and Teyla having nightmares, she’s been keeping me awake there. Ehh, I hope you don’t mind but we have been staying in your flat since we returned to Earth. We felt that something familiar to her here, other than the base, would be more appropriate for her to get accustomed to the change. She has been sharing your bedroom with Torren.”
“It’s fine,” he said, “I forgot I had an apartment. But is she okay, doc?”
Carson shrugged and thought about it. “Physically she is fine. The adjustment has been difficult for her but she and Ronon speak frequently so that helps some. I doubt you would recognize your place when you go there. She has been cleaning and rearranging things frequently to occupy herself when no one is around. It’s the nightmares that are bad. All I know is that it has to do with the attack, but she won’t share the details of the dreams.”
He nodded slowly. His brain felt as if it were gooey and going banging, knocking, sloshing… back and forth against his skull now that the bandages weren’t holding his head together, and he closed his eyes. “I can only imagine what she’s seen…” He looked down his arms, confirming that he was indeed restrained and hooked up to IV’s. He was still tired, right now he felt as if he could sleep for days, but he had so many things to process, so many things to try to remember. Such as what happened to Elsa, and why couldn’t he save Rodney. “Alright…” he said quietly. “I’ll try some soup, but then I’ll go to sleep.”
Smiling, Carson was pleased that John was beginning to be more cooperative. He feared, however, that his friend was simply going to humor him as long as it would be necessary until he could do what he wanted without anyone to stop him. Still… “Alright lad, I’ll be right back.”
Carson grabbed a chair, removed one restraint and sat down to watch John eat the soup he had brought over. John made a face after the first bite. Disgusting soup, it was even worse than Teyla’s. “What the…”
“It’s chicken broth, lad.”
“It’s horrible.”
“You know Stargate Command never were much for formal eating. We just want to make sure that you are able to keep it down through the night. Then we can wean you back on food and take you off that feeding tube.”
“I’ve had chicken broth before, but this is really disgusting. It tastes like… I dunno, piss.” He shrugged and started to feel sick. “I think I’ve had enough…”
Carson smiled and took the cup back. “Well done. I will see about jello for breakfast, hm?”
“Maybe,” he said and lay down, while Carson restrained his arm again. “Do you really have to?”
“It’s you, of course I have to,” Carson replied, before lowering the lights for his friend to return to sleep.
“Night,” he muttered and as soon as he closed his eyes, he fell asleep. Sometimes it was good to be able to fall asleep anywhere at any time, despite the horrible bed, the noise of beeping machines and people talking softly and walking around. On top of that, he was just really that tired.
The news that John Sheppard learned was more than enough to knock him out for a whole day. He stirred occasionally but was still pretty much asleep until nearly dinner time the following evening. When Ronon heard of his friend being awake again, General Landry was sympathetic enough to excuse him from his gate duties with SG-1 to stay behind and keep Sheppard company.
He refused to be removed from the bedside, no matter who asked, even when one of the orderlies came to wash his brother down, as they did twice a week. Flipping through one of the Earth magazines that he had been introduced to – Playboy – he did not immediately notice when his friend started to wake up quietly.
“What did I tell you, Chewie,” John said sleepily, “too much reading of that makes you go cross eyed.” He wished he could rub his eyes awake right now.
Ronon didn’t look up from the page he was on and snorted. “What did I tell you about stopping getting hit in the head, Sheppard,?” he replied before looking up at the nurse who stood at the next bed over. “You can let him loose.”
“Doctor has orders for the restraints,” she replied, shaking her head. “Your friend is a risk to himself.”
“He’ll stay put.”
“I…can’t,” she insisted, in a tone that indicated she wished she could.
“He’ll stay put,” Ronon repeated with more insistence.
The young woman looked over at John, who was still trying to get his bearings, and nodded slowly. “I could get in trouble, you know,” she whispered as she came over to release the lock on the patient’s hands but left the ankle restraints in place. “Make sure he doesn’t tear out his IV again.”
“I won’t, I promise I’ll be good,” John said and slowly sat up to rub the sleep out of his eyes. “Ronon will make sure I don’t do anything stupid, you can tell Carson that when he gives you grief.” He blinked, trying to get his eyes to focus on Ronon and the nurse, but it hurt like hell.
The woman nodded and walked off, leaving the men to themselves in the relatively quiet area; the other patients were still either resting or in an induced coma. The Satedan looked back at John and shrugged before sitting back as comfortably as he could in his chair. “S’up.”
“You tell me, how are you doing?”
He shrugged a shoulder. “Surviving. They got me with SG-1 now. I couldn’t deal with sitting around doing nothing anymore. Sent Teal’c back to his people to work with his council.”
“Well, I think that’s a good thing,” John said, finally able to see Ronon’s stupid grin. “At least you’re not bored while you’re trying to deal with everything.”
“I was stuck in here for two weeks. They had to release me — didn’t give them much of a choice. I tried crashing with Teyla but she’s…all she does is watch the television. She tried explaining something called soap to me. Why would you cry over soap? There is plenty of it to wash yourself with on this planet.”
John chuckled. “Soaps are silly tv shows that are usually aimed at stay at home mothers, old ladies and everyone else who likes to watch fake tragedy. It’s supposed to make people feel good.” He shrugged.
“They’re idiots.”
“Yes, they are.”
“How about you?” Ronon asked, looking at him warily.
John shrugged, wondering why one of his arms wasn’t functioning properly. “I can’t remember much and I’m still trying to process the information Carson gave me last time I spoke to him.”
He nodded. “We’re lucky we got out at all. If McKay hadn’t gotten the shields around the tower up for the two minutes that he did, we’d be dead too.”
John just looked at him with a blank face.
“Oh, you don’t remember that. Umm…McKay took over for Zelenka after he went down. I think you tried to get to Woolsey. Last I saw you before we were through the gate, you and Elsa were in the infirmary.”
“I think I remember something about Elsa, me and Rodney in a room with a few of the wounded so that he could work on something to get the gate back under control, and that we had to move towards the control room,” John said. “Although I’m not quite sure.”
Ronon shrugged and raised his legs to rest them on the empty bed next to John. “Like I said, I don’t know what happened after that point. Teyla was heading for you and I went off after a group of Genii that were on their way to the gate room.”
John managed a small smile. “At least Rodney died as a hero, like he always wanted to go out should the time arrive,” he said sadly.
“Yep,” Ronon nodded with respect. “They all did.”
“So, what happened? Did we get help any reinforcements from Earth or did we dial the gate to get out?”
“Dialed Earth,” he answered simply. “There wasn’t enough time to do anything else with the self destruct going.”
“Did the Genii set the self destruct?”
Ronon shook his head. “You did. Right after…right after you managed to radio me that she was gone.”
John tried to construct a time line of the events in his head, and this didn’t make any sense. If he’d been in the control room, he could have easily made it out himself, instead of being unconscious like Carson had said he was.
“All I know is that you ran back for something. I think it was to kill one of them specifically. Teyla tried to stop you but ended up going along to back you up.”
John slowly nodded. “I’m sorry…” he started. “I just want to know what happened, I really can’t understand how it could have gotten so out of hand.”
“Don’t beat yourself up over it. All of us are still trying to understand it. All you can do is grieve and move on,” he explained. That was the Satedan way. “You still have Teyla, Carson, me. We’re still here, so you aren’t alone.”
“Yeah…” he said in a far away voice. Why didn’t anyone know what happened to Elsa? He was never really for longing for someone to be around him, but he missed her, and it hurt, and he just hated that he couldn’t remember. She was the one person he saw himself settling down with, eventually. Elsa liked to keep him at bay as much as he kept others away mostly because of his horrible track record with women. “What happened to her? To Elsa?”
Ronon thought about it, as he was pretty sure of what was going through his friend’s mind. “I don’t know. I think it was just you, her, Teyla and them, wherever it happened. Teyla refuses to talk about it so she probably knows what happened because you can see that she is carrying something heavy.”
John nodded, still in thought. He wanted to ask why Teyla was on Earth, and then remembered that Atlantis had been blown up, by his own hands. Obliterating everything on Atlantis, dead or alive, that hadn’t gone through the gate. “I take it that none of her people made it?”
“They went for the Athosians first. Teyla was the lucky one.” He grunted.
There are worse things than losing the people and the home that you love… he thought. “I can’t imagine how she must feel to be the last of her people.” He sighed. “Are you helping her to deal with it?”
Ronon rolled his shoulders. “She has the kid. I know she is making sure he understands where he came from. Teyla is strong, you know that. The SGC makes her see a shrink once a week and I’ve been going there most weekends when we haven’t had a mission.”
He noticed how Ronon’s speech had changed from being with Mitchell’s team for only two months. Ronon had picked up the Earth lingo more quickly, despite the fact that he had spent the last 6 years on Atlantis. Of course, now that Ronon was permanently stationed on Earth, he had to be more ‘Earth like’ and blend in. “Carson’s keeping the shrink away from me, afraid they’ll lock me up in a white padded room.”
“Heh, you got a reputation around the base, that’s for sure.” He laughed, “Just don’t do anything stupid because seriously…Carson and Teyla would lose it if you did. They’ve barely been hanging on as it was, until you woke up finally.”
“I’m not going to do anything stupid,” John said. “I’m fine, and as soon as I’m cleared I’ll be working.”
“Tell that to someone who doesn’t know you,” Carson’s voice sounded, and he greeted Ronon with a smile. “Out with you, he needs his rest now.”
“I just woke up?” Sheppard half asked. “I’m not going back to sleep, Carson, so you’d better give me something to do if you’re going to send Ronon away, or I’ll go nuts.”
Ronon looked back at Beckett with a raised eyebrow. “He’s been behaving,” he confirmed. “I’ll make sure that he gets rest but wouldn’t you want to stay awake for a little after being out for months?”
John wanted to ask if he could stretch his legs and walk around a little, but knew he would be pushing his luck. “I’ll even eat whatever you bring me,” he promised.
“Aye,” Carson sighed, “but no more talk about Atlantis apart from memories from before the Genii attack, you need to give your brain the time to process, son.”
“Ronon was reading Playboy, I’m sure that if I ask him nicely he’ll describe all the gorgeous women in that magazine to keep me entertained.”
“I’m glad you still have your sense of humor as a coping mechanism, Colonel.”
Ronon only grinned back at Sheppard, happy that the John he knew was still in there. “We’ll be good, Doc.”
“I’ll see what I can do about some jello or broth.” Carson nodded. “And don’t you dare roll your eyes at me, Colonel.”
“I welcome the broth and jello,” John said and then turned to Ronon as Carson went in search of food. “Seriously, I can barely see past you into the room, you’ll have to describe those women in that magazine to me.”
“Oh, they’re hot,” Ronon said, sitting up so that he could hand over the magazine. “See for yourself. I like this one particularly, but she reminds me too much of Teyla. It’s a little disturbing.”
He nodded, lifting the magazine so he could get a better view. One eye was doing fairly okay, the other not so much. “Oh, this is going to be hard to get used to,” he said and as he managed to find a way to look at the picture in the magazine. “Yeah… I think you’re right,” he said, squinting because the light was reflecting into his eyes from the glossy pages.
“You should tell the Doc to check that out. They might be able to do something about it,” Ronon pointed out.
“I will, once my eyes get a few more days to get used to seeing again.” John nodded. “Coma, remember?” He smirked and turned the page of the magazine before putting it down. “Alright, that’s too headache-inducing,” he muttered.
“Sucks to be you,” the other man said and took the magazine back, rotating it as he studied another model.
“Yep.” John nodded. “Now come on, describe her to me.”
“Gross.” Ronon chuckled.
After a while, Carson came back with food, and insisted that it was time for Ronon to leave, but that he was more than welcome to come back the next day. “Piss again, really?” John frowned at Carson, who sat down in the same chair Ronon had just vacated.
“You haven’t had any solid food for months, John, and you didn’t eat that much the other day so yes, piss again, and if you keep it down, maybe next time we’ll switch to jello.”
He managed to eat it all this time, despite it missing something… like salt, and a better taste. And it really bugged him that he couldn’t use his left arm that well, but he was sure that Carson would explain it to him once he was ready.
“Now, we need to talk,” Carson said, and pulled the chair closer to John’s bed. “You have been far too perky and normal for an ex-coma patient who just received terrible news.”
“I just want –”
“Let me finish,” Carson interrupted with a glare. “You have not been yourself and frankly I’m concerned. I know you want to get up and move about, but don’t think that I won’t put you back into a coma until you’re fully healed up so I can at least hurt you for behaving like an ass without feeling guilty about disrupting your healing process.”
“I am -”
“No, you’re not,” Carson said quickly. “There’s a reason why you’re still here with the rest of the severe cases and not out of the infirmary.”
John sighed and just looked at Carson.
“So, if I tell you to rest, what are you going to do?”
“Rest and get bored.”
“Exactly, glad we had this conversation,” Carson said, and made sure that John was secure in his bed. “Rest and get bored, Colonel.”
John made a face and let his head fall back to the pillow. “Can we just like put me on probation or something with those? Just for the arms at least? Trust me a little, as I have to trust that you guys aren’t going to kill me in my sleep…”
“John, no one’s going to kill you in your sleep.” Carson smiled down on him. “You’re still under my care but I’ll think about it for a wee bit longer before I feel confident enough to remove the rest of the restraints.”
He groaned as he felt the leather being secured around his wrist again. Joy, he thought, and tried to go to sleep, as he had few options for anything else.
“You’re being an idiot,” Elsa’s voice sounded. “It’s just a little pinch.”
“You’re wielding a needle.” John chuckled.
“I’m a doctor, needles are what I do. Now, drop those pants mister.”
Their gentle teasing was interrupted by an explosion and all of a sudden, he was in the middle of a corridor surrounded by dead Genii.
“John, this way!” Teyla’s voice sounded and he started to run in that direction.
“I thought we had lost you, Colonel,” Jennifer said almost in a far away tone.
“Not me, Keller.” he replied. “I swear, they are hellbent on killing all of us, no matter if they’re women, pregnant, old or…”
“I know John,” Teyla agreed with a deep sadness in her voice. “We have to get back to Elsa, we can’t leave her unprotected like that.”
“You go and find Ronon, I’ll get back to Elsa and McKay to see what they…” He fell to the floor when another explosion went off. “Son of a…” He coughed. “Teyla?”
“I am fine, go!”
John instinctively tried to sit up after waking suddenly. He was covered in a cold sweat and his heart was racing fast enough to set off his monitors, bringing the medical staff running.
“Colonel, you need to breathe and try to calm down,” Dr. Lam said as she started to lower the volume on the devices. “Focus on your breathing! You’re having a severe anxiety attack…”
“Let me move,” he breathed heavily. “Please, I just…” He paused and tried to catch his breath. “I want to move…”
Carolyn dug in her pocket for the key to the leather restraints and released his arms as quickly as she could. She looked up at one of the male orderlies who was helping and quietly ordered him to stay and keep an eye on the patient. She also ordered some Valium to help calm Sheppard down. Injecting it into his IV, she spoke soft, reassuring words, hoping that it would help. She could only imagine what he had been dreaming about to cause such a violent response.
Once his limbs were released, John felt somewhat safer and wrapped his good arm around himself. He managed to partially curl up on the bed without being able to move his legs too much and began to calm himself down as his breathing evened out. “I’m okay…” he said in a small voice, and tried to ignore the tears in his eyes.
“Is there someone I can get for you?” she asked quietly.
“No…” He shook his head; he wanted Elsa but that was going to be a ridiculous request,. “Just a bad dream, that’s all,” he muttered.
She nodded and adjusted the IV bag. “The eye specialist is coming to see you tomorrow,” she said, trying to change the subject.
“Fine.”
“Would you rather I give you something to help you sleep or do you want to just lie there for a while?”
“Sedating doesn’t help me deal with this,” John replied. “Just don’t restrain me… I’ll behave…” He pulled his weaker arm around him. “I promise, I’ll be fine…”
Carolyn nodded. “I’m going to have Andrew sit here with you in case you need anything,” she said. “Hopefully you’ll be able to start rehab by next week if all goes well over the next few days.” Carolyn hoped that the information of their plans for getting him back to his feet would help him feel somewhat comforted.
He nodded for an answer, and then decided to tune everything out while his head still went crazy, as if it was high on drugs. Probably the rush of adrenaline. At least she didn’t restrain him at this time, that was a plus. He felt safe for now.
The smell of beef, of all things, woke him up, and he turned to see where the scent was coming from. It turned out to be Mitchell, eating beside his bed. What was… Oh yes, he was at the SGC. “I could kill for one of those,” John said from his comfortable semi-foetal position.
“Carson would kill me, sorry.” Mitchell grinned. “But I was allowed to bring you this.” He placed a cup of red jello in front of John’s nose.
“Yum…why not blue?”
“Teal’c and I made the kitchen get rid of all blue jello after we heard about Sam. Just doesn’t feel right with her not around like that.” Cam shrugged. “Ronon is a good guy. Not very talkative, though.”
“I’m sorry for your loss, Cam,” John said, deciding to sit up and take a stab at the jello. “Ronon gets the job done. Just give him some time to open up to you, he’ll be cracking the most inappropriate jokes that will make you wet your pants.”
Mitchell made a face that sort of imitated Teal’c trying to be amused. “I believe that. He’s obsessed with Playboy. Sorry about that,” he replied.
“My fault.” He snorted and took a bite of his jello. At least it didn’t taste like piss, and the strawberry flavor was a welcome sensation. “I was doing a routine inspection of some Jumpers one day and I decided that next time I’d let someone else do it because some Marines…” He shook his head, laughing. “Playboy was the tamest thing I found in Stackhouse’s Jumper.”
“Sounds like a grand ol’ time, buddy. You need to get back on your feet. Your friend’s kid keeps asking about you, like all day, every time they visit. Think that you’re gonna end up being his almost-daddy,” Cam said as he ripped a piece of meat off the ribs and ate happily.
“Working on it. Lam said something about rehab but I wasn’t paying much attention,” John said. “Carson wants me to take it easy, and stop acting like everything’s fine after waking up after a two-month-long nap.”
He shrugged. “It happens. You’ll be fine. Just gotta wrap your head around it for awhile. At least you are in better shape than me after my accident.”
He nodded. He and Mitchell had had frequent email contact after they met when SG-1 came to Atlantis. Cam was an okay guy and he knew that Mitchell, of all people, probably understood some of what he was feeling. “At least you could still return to do the work you love, I’m not so sure if I can. You’re a little fuzzy around the edges.”
“It wasn’t easy. The docs doubted I would be able to but I wouldn’t listen. I guess it depends on the injury as well.”
John finished his jello with a triumphant grin and put it on the bed. “I’m making progress, I can move my arms now that they took those restraints off,” he said as he eyed Cam’s steak greedily. “Don’t tell me you’ve got potato salad there as well.”
“I do.”
“I hate you.”
“I know.” Cam smiled widely. “I’m sitting here, eating my dinner with the delicious smells, to motivate you.”
“Figured as much.”
“Oh, and I brought you some lemonade.” Cam handed him a firm plastic cup. “Carson hasn’t authorized that, so enjoy.”
John shook his head amused and took a sip. “Oh, that’s good.”
Mitchell nodded and returned to his steak, mmming at every bite he put in his mouth to taunt his friend.
For some reason, John was a little relieved when Mitchell left his bed side after talking to him about useless things for over an hour. He was grateful that Cam didn’t mention Atlantis at all. It was fun, though, to hear what his friend thought of having Ronon on his team and what they had done in the past two months.
In all honesty, John felt like crap, and he suspected everyone around him knew that, even with his refusal to show it. He just wanted to retreat and try to get his ducks in a row. Or maybe not; it depended on whether or not he’d ever be able to get a clear picture in his head about what had happened on Atlantis, what had happened to everyone he cared for.
He found that trying to be his usual self was tiresome, and that maybe Carson had been right; he should act the way he felt, but leave his idiotic thoughts to himself in case the SGC shrink showed up.
He decided to temporarily give up wracking his brain over things that happened in the past and that gave him some space to assess his current condition. One of the docs, he couldn’t remember if it was Lam or Beckett, had mentioned that he had had severe head trauma and some kind of aneurysm. John wasn’t a doctor but even he knew that that was a good reason as to why his left arm felt like dead weight at times. He wasn’t quite sure about his eyesight, but he knew for a fact that if his eyes didn’t start to clear up – especially his left eye – the doctors wouldn’t allow him to return to active duty or – perhaps worst of all – to fly.
He’d tried focusing on distant objects, but while people standing by his bedside were relatively clear, anything beyond that was blurry. Closing his left eye helped, so he knew it was his right eye that was the problem. It worried him. He loved to fly, and sure, maybe not puddle jumpers anymore, but any aircraft would do at this point.
And should his arm never return back to normal, he doubted they’d clear him for firearms either. But whatever was going to happen, he was going to work his ass off to at least to be able to shoot again, bad eyes or bad arm be damned.
His thoughts made him sleepy. He knew it was sometime in the afternoon but he decided to obey his body and tried to fall asleep.
“Colonel, you’re an ass.” Dr. Elsa Gutierrez was fuming. “You tripped and fell into a deep hole off world! You’re obviously hurt, so get your ass into the infirmary.”
“I haven’t broken anything, I’m fine,” John said reassuringly, knowing full well that Elsa could force him to go to the infirmary if she gave word to either Carter or Woolsey. He had been an idiot and hadn’t seen that hole. He never had stupid accidents like this; it was usually Rodney’s area to get hurt by falling over. Needless to say, he had hurt his pride along with his shoulder and ankle.
“Don’t make me pull rank on you.” She tugged on his good arm. “Come on, limpy,” she said lightly with a big smile on her face.
There were donkeys in the infirmary. Asses. What are those donkeys doing in here?”
“Oh, the circus is in town, do you want to go?” Elsa wasn’t dressed in her doctor clothes. She looked as if she worked at the circus, dressed like some sort of trapeze artist, and looking extremely hot in that outfit.
“I hate the circus.”
“Oh, but there aren’t any clowns, don’t worry.” She smiled and placed her hand on his forehead. “There, all better.”
“You’re amazing!”
“I know,” she said with a wink and jumped onto a trapeze. “How do I look?”
“I might go to the circus with you if you’re looking like that…” John swallowed hard. Elsa’s long legs were wrapped around the bar as she hung upside down, giving him a good look at her cleavage.
“Good. Now turn around, walk out of here, and go left; I’ll be waiting for you there.” Elsa smiled at him and he obeyed her. He walked out of the hay – and donkey – filled infirmary and turned left, only to be caught in an explosion.
The ceiling came down on him, and he couldn’t breathe properly, nor could he figure out where he was exactly; the smoke-filled corridor was disorienting. The sound of screams echoed in the distance and he knew he had to get out from under the rubble and move on, despite the fact that he wanted to give up. He was tired of fighting, of getting shot at, of being stabbed, but he had to go on and try to fix this mess. He tried to push away the beam holding him down, only to be surprised to find Elsa, dressed in white clothes and a pair of wings, lifting the heavy beam as if it were nothing. “You can’t save us all, John, but thank you for trying,” she said as she helped him to his feet, then exclaimed, “You’re hurt!” She sounded shocked. “Go find Teyla, she’ll take you to see Carson, go John, now!”
“Not without you-”
“You’ve done all that you can for me, John. I’m sorry it was too late, but you still have time to help Teyla.”
“No…”
“GO JOHN!” Elsa yelled at him. “You need to stay safe, go!” She pushed him in the right direction and he had no option but to clutch his P90 and stumble out of the corridor.
“John? John, wake up,” Teyla’s voice sounded from somewhere in the distance. “You are okay, wake up, John.”
He opened his eyes with a start and looked right into Teyla’s face. “I found you…” he sobbed.
Teyla’s heart was breaking in a million pieces all over again as she stroked his unruly hair from his sweaty forehead. “You had a bad dream, John,” she said to him as she sat down on the bed to pull him half onto her lap. “You’re safe,” she said softly as she continued to caress his hair. “I’ll keep the bad dreams away, get some rest.”
She had never seen him cry like this, as he never truly showed his feelings to anyone. For John’s sake, she was relieved that the rest of the patients in this part of the infirmary were out cold, although many probably would never wake up from their comas, which was a sad idea. John would never have forgiven himself if anyone had seen him lose it like that.
Carson didn’t know that she had snuck in to see him. Ever since John had woken up from his coma, she had felt the desperate need to be with him, but Carson had told her that neither John, nor she, was ready for their reunion.
She now realized why; because he had just recently learned what had happened to Atlantis, John was still in the first stages of grief, even with his memory loss. She had to be careful not to be drawn back into her own feelings. Teyla stayed by his side until her friend was back into a deep slumber and wondered when things would begin to work out.
When John woke up, he was alone. He was certain that Teyla had been with him, but maybe that had been a dream. He did feel as if he had had an unburdened sleep, and it felt good.
“Good morning, Colonel,” Carson’s voice greeted him happily. “I see that you’ve made yourself comfortable again.” He smiled widely.
John looked up at Carson and then at the pillow stuffed between his arms and chest. “Morning.” He shrugged and slowly sat up, looking at the plate of food Carson had in his hands. “Please don’t tell me that you’re going to act like Mitchell and eat that while sitting next to me,” he groaned.
“Oh no, this is turkey on a cracker,” Carson said, and put the plate in his lap. “I know how much you like turkey sandwiches, but I think that sandwiches might be a bit too much for you now.”
“I’m eating whatever you give me, and it’s staying down… how about getting that tube out?”
“You need to learn to have patience, John.”
Turkey on a cracker it is, John thought. At least it’s not jello or piss. “Was Teyla here earlier?”
“Yes, she came by to see you last night, but you were asleep.”
“Okay.” He nodded slowly as he took another bite of his cracker. “She could have woken me up.”
“She knows better, lad,” Carson said, and sat down on the chair next to his bed. “There’s someone coming over in an hour to check your eyes, to find out how much damage there is and if it can be repaired. Are you okay with that?”
“Can’t you do it?”
“I’d rather have a specialist look at it,” Carson admitted. “I have my own theory, but I’d rather let Dr. Cale have a look at it.”
“Cole?”
“No, Cale,” Carson shook his head sadly. “Dr. Cole, our Dr. Cole, perished on Atlantis, John.”
He sighed and finished the first cracker out of two, it had been good to taste something again, something he loved, but right now, he didn’t want to eat the other one. “Can I save this for later?”
The doctor nodded. “Not a problem. I’ll come let you know when the specialist arrives.”
“Okay.”
John knew that Carson kept his legs restrained so he couldn’t just walk out of the infirmary, or fall flat on his face trying, but he would give anything for a walk right now, to see who else was in the infirmary still. Most likely a few of the scientists he was told he was found with.
He wondered why Teyla hadn’t waited for him to wake up or why she hadn’t woken him up when she was there. He wanted to know how she was holding up, wanted to hear it from her, not from people around her like Beckett.
“When is Teyla coming back?” he asked as he tried to pull himself up on the bed as far as the restraints allowed. “I’d really like to see her and actually see she is well for myself.”
“When she’s ready to face you,” Carson said after a moment of thought. “She’s a strong woman, but seeing you when you were asleep and thrashing about made her realise she’s not ready to confront you and your questions yet.”
John slammed his back on the pillow with frustration. “What if I promise not to ask about Atlantis and Elsa and everyone? Please?”
“I’ll ask her, John.” Carson sighed tiredly, knowing that Teyla was the one who had stopped John and his thrashing about when he was having a bad dream again, and she might be the only one to really get through to him. At this particular moment, Carson felt that John was playing a game with him yet again.
“Then at least give me something to do…” John gave up; he wasn’t the one in charge, Carson was, and if Teyla wasn’t ready, then he had to believe him. “I’m going crazy without being able to do anything. I feel fine, there must be something I can do while I’m trapped in here,” he said stubbornly.
When Carson didn’t reply, he noticed he was feeling hungry. “Did you bring me something real to eat this time instead of jello or piss?” he asked, hopeful.
“You have the turkey cracker, Colonel. Finish that and I will consider something more.” Beckett grinned again, knowing that he would likely have to find something, as the things that the man had eaten had been staying down.
“What cracker?” John looked around and saw a plate with a cracker sitting next to him. “Oh, thanks, finally something tasty.” Carson watched for a moment concerned about his short term memory aside from his visual range. It was something he might have to look into further later.
Leaving him to his snack, Carson walked out to the commissary in order to find something easy for his friend to eat, as well as to make a call to Teyla to see if she would be open to the man’s request. He was sure that John would try as hard as he could to not ask questions. Carson knew that Teyla was there when it happened, but other than giving a vague description of the situation, she kept a lot of the details to herself which was not healthy either.
“John,” Carson’s voice sounded.
He must have had dozed off.Blinking slowly, John rubbed his eyes. “I’m awake, I was just…”
“It’s okay, lad.” Carson chuckled. “I’d like you to meet Dr. Logan Cale, he’s going to check out your eyes.”
“I’m awake.” John nodded, looking at Carson and the new guy standing next to him. “Hello, Doc.”
Dr. Cale smiled. “Hello back. Let’s get you sitting up here and have a look,” he said simply as he helped raise the head of the bed. He started out with a simple exam with the pen light and distance perception.
He winced when the doctor shone that annoying light in his good eye but had to squeeze his eyes shut when he did the same in his left eye, not only did that light blind him completely, but he also felt a little jolt of pain echoing in the back of his head. “Don’t do that,” he muttered, wanting to hit the doctor, but he had promised Carson that he would behave himself.
“I’ve read your medical file, Colonel Sheppard,” Dr. Cale started, “and this is not the first time I’ve assessed you either. Because you’ve suffered severe head trauma, some vessels in your eye have burst due to blood clots and I fear that it has done some damage.”
John remembered hearing some of this before, but a lot of it still sounded like Swahili to him. “Okay…”
The ophthalmologist smiled and shook his head. “I have the SGC setting up some equipment so that we can do some extensive tests to be sure. We will find out how much damage is done and just how permanent or repairable it might be. Please have some patience.”
For some reason John couldn’t help but chuckle at that, also because at the same time the doctor spoke those words, this great Johnny Cash song came into his head basically telling him that he should fear the worst. “If I’m not patient, Carson will take away some liberties he’s given me, so I’ll be good.”
While undergoing the other tests, John came to the conclusion that Cale wasn’t really a doctor but instead a sadist who enjoy inflicting pain on others. Carson wasn’t even around, it was just him and Dr. Cale, and John couldn’t help but feel threatened, even though he was in the safest place on Earth. It didn’t help that Cale wasn’t talking much apart from his ahhs and hmms.
“I must say, the medical team that worked on you when you were brought in has done an amazing job in trying to save every bit of you, Colonel,” Dr. Cale eventually said when Carson was back. “I’ve seen the pictures of what your face looked like when they started to work on you, and I’m so glad that they cleaned out your eyes as well as they have.”
“Carson’s the best and he only works with the best.” John nodded slowly, wondering why the doctor was sucking up to Carson, who kept quiet.
“The way I see it, the ultrasound shows that the blood vessels in your left eye are healing nicely. There’s a healthy blood flow through them, and I’m sure that in a bit more time your eye will stop hurting when exposed to direct light or light changes.”
“But?” There was always a but, John knew that.
“Nothing major, that’s the good news,” Dr. Cale started. “Your retina, the part that deals with the light and images in your eye, has torn in a few places, which gives you that blurry vision and light sensitivity.”
“Okay, so…” His mind went a thousand miles a second. “Contacts?”
“It’s not advisable, and I doubt that it’d restore the vision as the part that receives images in your eye is damaged; had it been any other part then sure, maybe. You can wear sunglasses to make the transitions of light easier on you when you’re outside or working, but I’m afraid that I’ll have to tell you, and General Landry, that your flying days are over. I’m sorry, Colonel.”
He looked at Carson, who looked on worriedly. “Don’t worry, I’m alright, I’m a big boy,” he managed to say, but in fact, he wasn’t alright. He was angry, sad, and confused all at once. “Will the, ehm… fuzziness clear up?”
“You need to retrain your eyes to work together again. Even now, I can see that your bad eye has given up at the moment as it’s tired of working, and is trailing off a bit to the side. But give it some time, you’ll be fine.”
“But no more flying?”
“I’m afraid not, Colonel.”
He nodded slowly as he began to think. He could go back to work, could still travel through the gate; he’d learn how to shoot with only one good eye, he could do that. If Mitchell could work his ass off to walk again and do the things he was still doing, then the least John could do was to focus on the things he could relearn… although he really wished he didn’t have to.
Carson could see the wheels in John’s head turning and immediately spoke. “Oh no, Colonel. I’m sorry, but that is out of the question. I know what you are thinking and I cannot sign off the clearance for you with your history. Not anymore.”
He looked at Carson and tried hard not to say something mean. “Now you’re trying to pull the rug even further from underneath me.”
“No, I’m not. I am being realistic and honest with you. You have a long road to recovery ahead of you and I, for one, would like to keep you alive to a ripe old age,” Beckett replied. “Teyla and Ronon have been working on the apartment to ready it for when you are able to leave here, where you will likely be in a wheelchair until you get through significant physiotherapy. Don’t you want to show her around Earth? You always talked about it before.”
He didn’t know what to say. Of course, everyone wanted to keep him around, but right now he was just angry. “It’s really hard not to do something stupid right now.” John tried to stay calm and just balled his fists until his knuckles looked white. “Like hurt someone.”
“I am sorry John, but this is how it is. You will learn how to adapt. I have every confidence in you,” Carson said and made sure that his patient was comfortable before returning to his other duties and patients.
