{"id":1088,"date":"2024-08-26T15:25:36","date_gmt":"2024-08-26T15:25:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/meekobuggy.com\/?page_id=1088"},"modified":"2024-08-26T15:54:11","modified_gmt":"2024-08-26T15:54:11","slug":"chapter-02","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/meekobuggy.com\/?page_id=1088","title":{"rendered":"Chapter 02"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Chapter 02 <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

It had been a week since Carson had sent him \u2018home\u2019, making a strict schedule of what therapy he had to go to and when, and it was already driving him nuts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After Dr. Cale had examined him at the SGC and Carson dumped the damn ugly truth on him, it had been another month before Carson had released him back into the wild.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With help from Carson, Teyla and Ronon had done a good job adjusting his apartment for his current misfortune of being in a damn wheelchair. He barely recognized the place as somehow Teyla had found Athosian-style furnishings to decorate it, making his apartment feel more like the home he\u2019d been forced to leave behind in Pegasus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When John wasn\u2019t off at physio or fooling the shrink into thinking he was fine with everything that had happened, Torren was using him as a playmate, which was fine with John. It didn\u2019t feel as if he were living his own life right now anyway, and just decided to give in to what everyone else wanted to make sure they kept off his case.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Getting around the apartment on his own was a bit hard considering his left arm still wasn\u2019t cooperating that well, despite the physio he received at the SGC. When it did work, he liked to roll himself to his bedroom and stare into nothingness for a while. He was grateful that Cale had been right about one thing; even though sudden light changes left him blind for a moment, the pain with it had disappeared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In all honesty, his apartment was just too small for him, Teyla, and Torren and occasionally Carson or Ronon when they stayed over, and it was sometimes too overwhelming to be cooped up all day, after being cooped up at the SGC for so long.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

More often than not, he had nightmares that didn\u2019t make any sense, about Elsa, or Atlantis, or clowns performing an autopsy on him. Fortunately, they hadn\u2019t been that bad since he\u2019d been home because he doubted that Teyla would appreciate it if he woke her up in the middle of the night with his screams.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cUncle John!\u201d Torren ran over to him when he rolled himself into the living room. He crawled onto his lap and smiled widely. \u201cMarket day.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

John looked at Teyla and sighed. \u201cDo I have to come with you?\u201d he asked as he did not want to be stared at like an invalid<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t have anything else to do, Colonel,\u201d Teyla replied. \u201cAnd it\u2019s good to go outside every once in a while.\u201d She handed him his sunglasses and a ball cap. He wasn\u2019t so fond of the cap, mostly because his hair managed to push it off his head, but the sunglasses alone at this time weren\u2019t enough to dim the light of the low-hanging sun.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAlright.\u201d He nodded and looked at Torren, who was still smiling. \u201cDo you know something that I don\u2019t?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes!\u201d Torren squealed and turned around to properly sit on John\u2019s lap.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

John eyed Teyla suspiciously. \u201cShould I be afraid?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cRelax, John,\u201d Teyla chuckled as she started to push him out of the apartment. \u201cWe\u2019re going to the market, I like how they trade there.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He rolled his eyes. \u201cTypical woman. Spending money.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou need to eat, yes?\u201d She smiled widely. \u201cI like the market food better than what they\u2019re trying to trade in your supermarkets.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat is because it is usually fresher and straight from a farm. They don\u2019t have your tava beans for your tea here, though.” He frowned, feeling down again for his friend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo, but your people have tea leaves, and I must admit, they are better than tava beans.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He tried to turn in the chair with the boy still in his lap to look at her in shock. \u201cReally now. I wasn\u2019t expecting to hear something like that from you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJohn, as much as I\u2019m trying to stay with the customs my people had, it does not hurt to try new things in life. Yes, I am a little disappointed that I can\u2019t make tuttle root soup, but there are good alternatives.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

John mouthed a \u2018thank you, God<\/em>\u2019 after turning around in his chair. She did not miss it either as she went to push the chair close enough to the elevator for Torren to press the down button. \u201cOne of the stand owners has promised to share some recipes with me today. I am eager to try some new dishes but I would also really love to order that chicken dish from the Italian restaurant tonight, if you do not mind.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He made a face at the thought. Since coming to Earth, and since he had come home from the SGC, he learned that she had developed what he believed to be a rather unhealthy obsession with pollo alla potentina<\/em>. Frankly, John was sick of it. \u201cWhy won\u2019t you let me cook tonight? I\u2019ll make you something you\u2019ll like, but please, no more chicken.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI would, if you could reach the cooking stove.\u201d Teyla pushed him into the elevator, laughing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThere\u2019s a grill on the balcony of the apartment, I don\u2019t need to use the stove,\u201d John replied. \u201cI can make something you\u2019ll love while in the chair.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI have had steaks before, I didn\u2019t like them.\u201d Teyla made a face after doing the math.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBelieve me, you will like them the way I make them, with homemade sauce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI want some!\u201d  Torren bounced around. \u201cLet Uncle John cook!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cTwo against one, Teyla,\u201d John grinned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She smiled in the way she had when she had been dealing with him with Rodney and Aiden in the early days, an amused mother to full-grown children. \u201cVery well. However, I will prepare the side vegetables. No arguments.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDeal.\u201d John would happily give up his potato salad for a steak. He was happy; at least he had something to do now that didn\u2019t require him to feel like a helpless idiot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teyla sighed as she thought about how things had been recently and the frustration that she knew her friend was going through feeling, experiencing after being so strong and busy for so long. \u201cWhen we return, we can make a list of what we each would be responsible for, if you like. Such as you could manage loading the dish cleaning machine after meals?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI could do that,\u201d John agreed. \u201cThanks, Teyla.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It took him a second or two to adjust to the bright sunlight, but was happy that he didn\u2019t have to focus on walking at the same time. Yes, sunglasses were his best friends now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once they were at the market, Torren was bouncing on his lap. For some reason the little kid was psyched to be at the market and it didn\u2019t take him long to find out why; there were clowns, and Torren seemingly loved clowns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cReally?\u201d John sighed and shook his head. \u201cThey\u2019re not even…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teyla swatted him on the head. \u201cTorren likes these masked men, let him enjoy watching them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHave you taken him to the circus yet?\u201d John wondered, knowing that there had been a point in his life as a kid when he\u2019d loved the circus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo, I have not, because Carson looked at me in a funny way when I asked him to explain the circus to me,\u201d Teyla replied. \u201cHe made it sound like it was pure torture.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNot really, kids love the circus, it\u2019s only a torture if you don\u2019t like…\u201d He pointed at the clowns. \u201cThe clowns.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She nodded and smiled as Torren continued to be fascinated by the show. His glee increased when one of the clowns came over to give him a balloon and do a short little dance for him. To John\u2019s dismay he began remembering the dream he had had not long after he first woke up from his coma. The hand not holding onto the child gripped the arm of his wheelchair tightly. Teyla noticed and made sure they did not stay much longer in case John continued to react negatively.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the clowns gave Torren a flyer. Of course, <\/em>John thought. The circus is in town…<\/em> He actually wondered why he had brought it all up, considering the dream or nightmare he had had about Elsa the trapeze artist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCan we go?\u201d Torren smiled and pointed at the flyer, probably not knowing what was on it exactly, just seeing a huge tent on it.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ll have to,<\/em> he told himself, maybe out of some kind of self-inflicted torture, or maybe just to please the kid. \u201cIf your mom says we can go, we can go,\u201d John said bravely and ruffled Torren\u2019s hair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMo-o-om?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMaybe,\u201d Teyla said warmly. \u201cBut for now, We should go and buy food.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

He\u2019d liked being outside for the time they were out, but he was also glad to be back at the apartment. He was still thinking about why he had started talking about the circus and pretending as if clowns were okay. He wasn\u2019t afraid of clowns, he just hated them, and he couldn\u2019t stop thinking about the good part of that dream, Elsa hanging upside down smiling like the biggest goof on the planet. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, it would be a great experience for Torren to see the circus, and maybe John didn\u2019t have to go with them if Carson or Ronon or someone else stayed behind to look after him if he needed extra help. He wondered when it would stop, though, people treating him like he was a ticking time bomb, or like he was a child, or even worse: trying to make him talk about his true feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why couldn\u2019t they just leave him alone? He\u2019d be fine with food as he had a grill on the balcony, he wouldn\u2019t mind having to eat steak and potato salad for the rest of his life if he had to. \u201cHey, Teyla?\u201d He helped Torren off his lap and frowned. When had Torren climbed on his lap? \u201cCan we please not have chicken tonight?\u201d he asked, looking at the bags of groceries they had brought back. He had only been \u2018home\u2019 for a week, and they\u2019d had chicken something from the Italian for two or three of those days, and it wasn\u2019t even that good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes John, we can have your steak,\u201d she replied, sighing. She had gotten used to the forgetfulness and repetition with him since he was released, but it continued to concern her. It wasn\u2019t the John she knew but she was well aware of the trauma of the evacuation. No one was the same after Atlantis. Well, except maybe Ronon, as he\u2019d had the destruction of his home before, so he had the experience to cope. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh! You have no idea how happy that makes me,\u201d he replied with a grin grabbing the bag of charcoal off the floor and wheeling himself towards the balcony.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes, I do,\u201d she said with a pained expression. She did not care for steak nearly as much as he did. More often than not, she felt ill after eating it and at times ended up vomiting it up. Teyla didn\u2019t dare tell him because he would try to pull rank on her and make her get examined, but Carson had already explained to her that it was normal and there were many people did not digest certain meats very well. Starting the vegetable sides, she busied herself in the kitchen after setting Torren up at the table with his book and crayons.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt looks great out here, doesn\u2019t it?\u201d Elsa smiled; it was her first time off world and she was as hyper as a Duracell bunny, something that annoyed John in many ways.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSure,\u201d he replied and pushed her forward. She was worse than Rodney, who had managed to get himself caught up in some sort of ritual in the local village. \u201cIt\u2019s not really necessary for you to be here, but I don\u2019t want to take any chances with Rodney, even though he says it\u2019s fine.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m surprised you got me, and not Carson.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

John shrugged. \u201cYou were starting to look a little pale… and it looked like you were married to the infirmary,\u201d he said. \u201cI bribed Carson for you to come with.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019re a bad liar,\u201d Elsa pointed out and hopped over a few rocks. \u201cSo, how dangerous is this ritual and why did you let them go ahead with it?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAsk Rodney,\u201d John replied. \u201cHe might need a brain check-up when we\u2019re back on Atlantis, I\u2019m sick and tired of this God complex he has sometimes.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cUnlike him being fed up with your stubbornness and knack for getting yourself almost killed?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat\u2019s different.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJOHN!\u201d Teyla\u2019s voice pulled him out of that wonderful memory that was playing in his head and before he knew it, he was doused with water.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cTeyla, what the hell!\u201d he cried out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She looked at him with wide-eyed fear as she pointed towards the grill that was now drowned by the water. The steaks on it were charred black and black dark, inky, smoky… scorches around the rim indicated that the flames had gotten out of control. \u201cYou almost burned yourself to death,\u201d she said. \u201cI been calling for you…What were you thinking about?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSorry.\u201d He stared at her in shock. \u201cDid I do that?\u201d he asked in confusion and shook his head. \u201cI\u2019m… oh god Teyla…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u201d she asked, kneeling at his side.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI was just thinking how nice this apartment actually is… I never really appreciated the view for what it was…\u201d he said softly. \u201cThen I remembered the first time Elsa went off world and how beautiful it was out there, and… I guess I forgot…\u201d He waved helplessly at the grill. \u201cI\u2019m so sorry…\u201d God, he was a mess.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teyla got up to wheel him back inside. \u201cI will clean this up. You can call and order a pizza, okay? We can save the vegetables for tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He sighed and slowly nodded. \u201cI\u2019m so sorry, Teyla… I should have paid more attention, this has never happened before.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt is alright. I am more concerned that you are not injured from the fire,\u201d she said. \u201cThis is still very much a large adjustment for all of us. I know you are doing your best.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He made a mental note to go to his room after dinner as he reached for the phone. He knew Teyla wouldn\u2019t let him skip dinner, but he felt sick. What the hell was wrong with him? Sure, his mind had been scattered, and Carson had noticed it too, but he said that it was normal for someone with memory loss. Whatever,<\/em> he thought bitter and continued to dial the number of the pizza delivery guy. \u201cTorren buddy, what would you like to have on your pizza?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFish!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFish it is.\u201d John nodded, feeling nauseated at the thought of anchovies. He could always lie to the kid and say the pepperoni was fish but doubted Teyla would approve. When the place answered, he asked if they had personal sized pizzas and was relieved that they did. He ordered one with anchovies for the boy and a large pie half pepperoni, half veggie and extra cheese all around. There, Teyla got her vegetables, Torren got his fish, John got his pepperoni. All was right in the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He loaded up the dishwasher after dinner and then decided to treat himself to a shower. He smelled of burnt meat that was reminiscent of the smell of the flesh in his memories, fire and water, and didn\u2019t like it one bit. Of course, taking a shower was a lot of work these days. First, he had to manage to get out of his clothes, then drive himself into the shower and hop on the chair standing underneath the faucet. \u201cI\u2019m going to take a shower,\u201d he said to Teyla, who was reading a bed time story to Torren. \u201cI will try to make it quick.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He got a fresh set of jogging pants and a clean t-shirt and boxers and made his way towards the bathroom, deciding to undress in there. He took off his shoes, then socks and wrestled with his pants before the smell of burnt things got stuck in his nose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhy isn\u2019t Atlantis responding to the fires?\u201d John asked Rodney, who could only shrug. \u201cI\u2019m going to the chair.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf you do that, you\u2019d probably end up dead,\u201d Rodney snapped. \u201cThey\u2019ve smartened up, those stupid Genii soldiers, so no, just let it burn and get extinguishers if I tell you to or something, just… shut up and let me work.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cColonel, they\u2019re heading towards the Jumper bay, what do you want us to do?\u201d Stackhouse\u2019s voice sounded from behind him.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cStop them?\u201d John suggested as he pulled one of the bodies to the side. \u201cI\u2019m going to set some C4. Stay here McKay.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

He managed to get his shirt off while he tried not to cry, crying was bad, and he didn\u2019t want to upset Teyla, or Torren for that matter. If only he had been able to get to the chair room, then he could have avoided the mess that followed the Genii\u2019s takeover. He hauled himself up, wobbling on his feet as he turned around to sit down on the chair in the shower. He attempted to hold back a shiver when the water was cold at first, and started to adjust the heat until it was perfect. He needed to get rid of the smell, and fast.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh my God, is that Parrish?\u201d Rodney exclaimed before John could run towards the corridor a floor above them to set some charges.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d John said. \u201cWe\u2019ll do a full head count once we\u2019ve gotten rid of the Genii.\u201d The body didn\u2019t look like Parrish, apart from his body build maybe, but he really couldn\u2019t be certain as his face was blown to bits from a close-range<\/em>d<\/s><\/em> shot to the back of his head.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

He made his way to one or two corridors ahead of Rodney and started to place the C4, nearly tripping over another body. He tried not to look at the bodies he encountered<\/em>,<\/s><\/em>; he wanted to get this over and done with and then later, maybe, mourn the ones lost. \u201cOh crap, Lorne…\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

John had to shoot a patrol of Genii soldiers en route to his next C4 placement area destination. He was angry now; Lorne had been a good man, a good soldier, and the Genii had killed him. Attacking his home was one thing, going after good people was another and trying to keep the casualties on both sides to a minimum was no longer an option. He now fully understood Teyla\u2019s rage after finding out that her people were among the first to die. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Speaking of Teyla, he wondered where she was. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

He managed to clean himself up while he remembered Lorne’s and Parrish\u2019s bodies. He couldn\u2019t get it out of his head, especially Parrish, how his face had been blown off. John would never have thought that the Genii would be that<\/em> ruthless, although they had proven before that they had the potential to be that volatile. John now wondered who had been in charge, it must have been someone who knew the city very well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He dried himself off and got into his clean clothes, trying to do so while standing upright. He wanted to be able to stand on his own without wobbling around or falling over, but he quickly realized that he still couldn\u2019t. Frustrated, he let himself fall into his wheelchair and did it the \u2018old man\u2019 way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCan I do something anything for you?\u201d He asked Teyla as he rolled back in to the living room. When she shook her head, he wished her good night and spent the rest of the night lying awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering when he\u2019d be okay again. He was sick and tired of being useless, taking up space that could easily have been used for someone else. He hadn\u2019t been home for longer than a week and he hated that Teyla was looking after him. He hated spacing out, it nearly got him burned today. He hated being unable to be the man he used to be; he was currently stuck in a chair and he sometimes doubted that he would get out of it any time soon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Carson had said that there wasn\u2019t anything wrong with his legs, but that they hadn\u2019t been used for a very long time due to his coma, hence why he needed physical therapy. All John needed, according to Carson, was patience and faith.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He had neither.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo, no… Torren… noo…\u201d John managed to laugh when Torren hugged his legs as he got into the apartment, but all he wanted to do was to cry when he fell down.  At least he managed it so that Torren wasn\u2019t squashed under his weight.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It had been nearly nine months since he had been allowed to go home from the SGC and it was approaching the one year anniversary of Atlantis\u2019 destruction. The physical therapist had finally allowed him to leave the wheelchair and try to walk with a cane, and John knew that it had been Carson who had been stalling the therapist\u2019s decision.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He had been going crazy in his wheelchair, despite regaining control over his arm and sneakily walking around in his own bedroom for months. The wheelchair had been a way to try to control him and make sure he didn\u2019t do anything stupid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At least he had become better at pretending everything was okay. He installed a new security system in the apartment, telling everyone that despite the fact that he knew that his apartment building was safe, and if not that Teyla could kick some serious ass, better safe than sorry. The real reason — and he hated to admit it — was that he knew that he could no longer defend himself, let alone those living with him. The fact was, he didn\u2019t feel safe in his own home, or en route to therapy, or anywhere anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

John thought about asking Teyla if she would start sparring with him slowly so that he would be able to get back something of what he had had before. It would not be an easy task, but he desperately felt the need to be able to protect himself and he would do anything to accomplish that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now that he was allowed to walk around and go outside by himself (which scared the hell out of Teyla, he knew that) he found it hard not to be in a constant state of alertness when he walked the streets. Screeching cars made his heart race, a baker who threw his crates in the alley made him pause to catch his breath, and overall there were too many dangers outside to actually enjoy being there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not that he told anyone. He wasn\u2019t a baby,<\/s> he used to be an Air Force pilot, saving galaxies and kicking ass. Now that he was out of the wheelchair, he noticed that it was easier to pretend he was okay, because he wasn\u2019t obviously crippled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat did I tell you, buddy?\u201d John slowly sat up and ruffled Torren\u2019s hair. \u201cDon\u2019t surprise me like that because as you see, I will fall and I don\u2019t want to hurt you.\u201d He smiled, got Torren to his feet, and got up himself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDid you bring me something?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019re spoiled.\u201d John replied and fished a lollypop out of the pocket of his jeans. \u201cDon\u2019t run around with it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThanks!\u201d Torren smiled widely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

John still had nightmares, although they were becoming less frequent. He usually managed to muffle his screams by falling asleep with his pillow over his head. His shrink<\/em>, whom he hated because there was something about the guy that gave him the creeps, had given him some medication to help him sleep, and something else to stop him from zoning out and flooding the apartment again when drawing a bath. It had been hell to clean up too, not to mention, the people living in the apartment downstairs weren\u2019t all too happy either.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He and Teyla still had to have \u2018the talk\u2019, where Teyla would tell him exactly what happened with Elsa, and he still wanted to know, but Teyla still wasn\u2019t ready for it. He never asked, knowing that she would come to him when she was ready.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The SGC had planned a memorial service for the lives lost on Atlantis for sometime next week, and even though he didn\u2019t want to go, he had<\/em> to.  He hadn\u2019t spoken to any of the survivors apart from Teyla, Ronon, and Carson.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He hadn\u2019t gone to Lt. Cadman\u2019s funeral when her family finally decided to take her off life support. He hadn\u2019t gone to visit Katie Brown at her new job, tending to some big tropical garden with special plants in some zoo. He was happy to hear from Ronon that Chuck was working as a gate tech for the SGC now that Walter had retired, and that Stackhouse was serving on SG-3. A scientist who worked with Rodney was working at Area 51, and the families of Vega and Banks were still hoping that one day, their daughters would wake up from their comas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He didn\u2019t need<\/em> to be confronted by the fact that he hadn\u2019t been able to save his people, or at least more of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As he walked further into the apartment, he found Ronon and Teyla sitting on the couch talking with some fighting program on the television. He looked at them suspiciously because as soon as he entered the room, they stopped talking and had pensive expressions on their faces. Well, Teyla did, at least. Ronon looked pissed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHey…\u201d he said as he greeted them both. \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI was trying to do you a favor,\u201d Ronon grunted. \u201cAnd that favor isn\u2019t cooperating.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

John blinked, and then shrugged it off. \u201cI see…\u201d he said. \u201cAre you staying for dinner?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teyla glared at Ronon as she answered her friend. \u201cHe is not.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

John nodded. Ronon must have seriously pissed Teyla off for her to deny Ronon dinner. \u201cOh, I went to look for a job after therapy,\u201d he said. Carson had been on his case to do something useful during the times that he wasn\u2019t in therapy so he wouldn\u2019t hang around at the apartment all the time, and the SGC had basically abandoned him. \u201cI didn\u2019t really find anything yet, when I went in to ask for details they implied that they don\u2019t hire cripples or old people,\u201d\u00a0 he said lightly to diffuse the tense atmosphere. Regardless of discrimination laws, he knew that they would come up with alternate reasons why he wasn\u2019t considered – being overqualified he later discovered that many said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019d better go.\u201d Ronon got up. He patted John on the back on his way to the door. \u201cKeep trying.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He watched his friend leave before turning back to Teyla. \u201cWhat was he talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019re doing a great job in trying to get back onto your feet, John,\u201d Teyla smiled half-heartedly. \u201cAnd you shouldn\u2019t give up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019re making me nervous, Teyla,\u201d he replied slowly as he studied her carefully. \u201cWho said that I was going to give up?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe all know how you handle disappointment, John, and words of encouragement rarely seem to help.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cTeyla…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI know, you\u2019re \u2018fine\u2019.\u201d She smiled sweetly and got up. \u201cWhat did you have in mind for dinner, it is your day today, is it not?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cStop changing the subject. What were you and Ronon talking about, because frankly I am sick and tired of everyone talking about me or walking on eggshells around me. Anything about me, tell me!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFine.\u201d Teyla looked up to him with grief in her eyes. \u201cRonon was trying to convince me to tell you about how Elsa… You must understand that she was my friend too.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI know, Teyla. Which is why I haven\u2019t asked you to tell me, I know that when you\u2019re ready, you will.\u201d He placed a hand on her shoulder. \u201cFrankly, I\u2019m actually wondering when I\u2019ll remember it on my own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She lowered her head in grief. \u201cCarson told me that you might never remember it on your own. That some block in your mind might be keeping it from you, to protect you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThen so be it,\u201d he said after thinking about it. \u201cHonestly, Teyla, I want<\/em> to know what happened, I\u2019m still trying to get a full picture of the siege in my head and I do remember things on my own. Not as fast as I want to, but I can\u2019t complain about it because it\u2019s obviously my body telling me to slow down too.\u201d He lifted her chin and made her look at him. \u201cI don\u2019t blame you for not telling me. I\u2019m not angry.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She sighed and shook her head. \u201cNo. Ronon is right,  though. In knowing, you might be able to truly put Atlantis behind you and it is difficult in keeping such information from you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cTeyla, only when you\u2019re willing to share, then I\u2019ll listen,\u201d he said softly. \u201cI don\u2019t want to hurt you even more than I already have. Elsa wouldn\u2019t have wanted that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo, but she did not like secrets either. Come with me,\u201d Teyla said, as she took his hand to lead him back to his room. Torren did not need to see how John might react. However that might be, she was not entirely sure. \u201cIt was one of her greatest qualities and flaws that she could not and would not keep a secret such as this.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He followed her to his room and closed the door. \u201cI\u2019m not sure Teyla.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIs anyone ever ready to receive ill-fated news?\u201d she pointed out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He sighed and sat down on the bed. \u201cI guess you\u2019re right.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teyla paced the floor, wringing her hands around her wrists nervously, as she thought on how she would word what she had to say. \u201cYou remember that she insisted on going back to the infirmary to help with one of the scientists who had been trapped but was yet undiscovered by Ladon\u2019s men.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWait, Ladon was among the Genii on Atlantis?\u201d He frowned. \u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes, he was. We did not find him suspicious as he had done well by us in the past,\u201d she explained. \u201cWhich was one of the reasons why their take-over had been a surprise.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Had he had known that Ladon Radim had been on Atlantis when they took the Genii in, John would have made more sense of his flashbacks sooner. \u201cIt makes sense now.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teyla nodded and paused in her pacing to look out the window. \u201cHis second, I do not recall his name, was injured. He found Elsa trying to get out of the infirmary with a geologist who had been in there when the attack began. I am sure that he killed the scientist then forced Elsa to treat his injuries, and she was doing such when you and I arrived to get her.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He slowly nodded. Elsa was always busy with her job, she wanted to do her absolute best and if not, die trying. It had been difficult to pry her away from the infirmary for her first off-world trip to look after Rodney, and even during their lunches together, she observed the people having lunch in the mess hall to look for a hint of sickness or other ailment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Glancing back, Teyla found that John was managing well so far as he listened silently. \u201cWhen we reached them, the Genii soldier took her by her neck and held his weapon to her. We had a standoff for, oh, I don\u2019t know how long.\u201d She sighed. \u201cThere was nothing but evil in his eyes. I could tell that he had no intention of leaving any of us alive…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cShe\u2019s going to finish patching him up,\u201d Ladon\u2019s voice sounded as his man let go of Elsa, keeping his weapon trained on John and Teyla while the injured soldier had his gun on Elsa. \u201cShoot me, and he will shoot her.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhy are you doing this?\u201d John demanded. His eyes were burning from the smoke coming from the corridor behind him, his chest was hurting from the knife wound he had received earlier, and he had a few broken ribs from continuously falling over and getting stuck under debris from collapsing ceilings.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cUntil YOU came back to the galaxy with this ship of yours, we were doing fine in helping the people of this galaxy rebuild their worlds.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh, so it\u2019s a jealousy thing then,\u201d John said. \u201cYou could have said something. Instead, you\u2019re destroying our home.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201c…just as we started to believe that he might actually let Elsa go and allow us to leave through the gate – he did not know we set the self-destruct – the soldier released her from his hold.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cShe had nothing to do with us coming back, this is her first time out of her own galaxy,\u201d John tried. \u201cYou can let her go through the gate, as well as Teyla, and do whatever you want with me.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJohn, don\u2019t. I won\u2019t leave you,\u201d Elsa said calmly but with clear fear in her voice. She held her head high but could not help in crying out when the soldier forced her to her knees.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The smile on the soldier\u2019s face turned sadistic as he made the connection between the two. He grabbed Elsa by her hair and pulled back for her to look up at him. \u201cShe really is quite attractive, Colonel Sheppard. You have good taste,\u201d he growled as he studied her, bending over to press his nose into her neck as a lover might.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

He tightened the grip on his P90, not sure who to shoot first; Ladon or his lackey. \u201cLet. Her. Go,\u201d he ground out, trying to control his rage.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo no, I think I might give her a try myself,\u201d he taunted with a grin as he attempted to unbuckle his pants as Ladon held Sheppard and Teyla back. \u201cSuch a pretty thing…\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

With Elsa on her knees John now had a clear shot of the soldier towering over her, but there was still Ladon to deal with, who was grinning like a madman. Yes, he was crazy for coming to Atlantis and attacking it from the inside out, crazy enough for it to actually work. John steadied his breath, and before he knew it, he had placed a bullet in the middle of the soldier\u2019s head, dropping him to the floor like a house of cards.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cInstead of letting her go, Ladon turned his weapon from us to Elsa. He – he executed her right there. She did not have a chance to do anything but get out a few words before he pulled the trigger,\u201d Teyla said before she broke down crying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He just sat there in silence for a while, not realizing that he was holding his breath, not realizing that Teyla was sitting next to him now, crying. He had gripped his knees tightly, his knuckles were white and he was angry as hell. She didn\u2019t even have a weapon, and that… scumbag shot her, he killed her, she was gone, the hope of ever seeing again was gone. What was there to live for now?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He slowly put his arm around Teyla, feeling numb, and softly comforted her by caressing her back. Apart from that, he hardly moved at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once the initial shock began to wear off, Teyla laid her head on John\u2019s shoulder. \u201cHer last words,\u201d she said softly, \u201cher last words to you were that she would always love you. She knew that by going back to the infirmary, she would die. I saw that in her face when she insisted on helping.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cShe knew the risks…\u201d he managed to say softly. \u201cWe all did…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teyla nodded. \u201cElsa would not want you to spend the rest of your life grieving for her but to cherish her memory and live<\/em>. Please do not give up on living, for her.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPlease tell me that I at least killed him.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking a deep breath to find strength, she nodded. \u201cYes, and more. You were the one that had armed the self-destruct and right after Radim fell, you made a comment about all of them dying for what he did. You tried to go for her body but I could not let you. There was not much time left and I had to pull you out to get to the gate. Unfortunately, on the way, you and I got caught under another ceiling collapse. Sergeant Stackhouse had been on his way back when he found us and helped me get you out.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For the lack of having anything better at hand, he threw his cane across the room. He was angry <\/s>and sad at what had happened to Elsa, and even more angry with himself for not remembering on his own. He wanted to seriously hurt someone right then, but tried to remain calm. \u201cThank you, Teyla, for sharing this with me….\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPlease do not leave us,\u201d she said barely in a whisper. Her greatest fear now was that John would cause himself harm, whether it was physical or emotional torture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He couldn\u2019t promise that. His first reaction was to go to a hotel for a couple of days to get it out of his system without causing harm to Teyla or, god forbid, Torren. \u201cI can\u2019t promise that,\u201d he muttered and planted a kiss on the top of her head. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nodding, Teyla wiped the tears from her eyes. \u201cI will go check on Torren and give you time to yourself. I do not think you and I are very much up to eating lunch now but I must make something for him. If you would like anything, please let me know.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He reached into the drawer of his bedside table and retrieved an Air Force-issued knife. He handed it to Teyla, who just stared at him in shock. \u201cJust in case I do consider hurting myself.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She looked down at it before taking it. \u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He quietly spent the rest of the day in his room, not even going out to have dinner. He didn\u2019t know what to do with himself, other than knowing that he really wanted to get into trouble, and hurt someone,. He wanted to release his anger, but he knew he\u2019d probably get his ass handed back to him if he started a fight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He wrote a note to Teyla, promising that he wasn\u2019t leaving forever, and that he was even taking his cellphone with him, but that he needed to have some time to himself without disrupting the peace of the apartment, and scaring Torren in the process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Late at night, he snuck out of the house and took a cab to the hotel that he had made reservations at earlier that day. Once there, he raided the mini bar while he cried his eyes out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, he\u2019d known that there was no chance in hell that he\u2019d ever see Elsa again, but with his own memory of her death failing, and Teyla finally telling him about her last moments, it was all too real all of a sudden. The woman he had dared to open himself up to after so long,<\/s> was gone, never to return, and he had to continue to live with himself and the shitload of problems that had come down on him after he had woken up from his coma.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sure, he had been lucky. For one, he had made it off Atlantis and he was up and about, and that had to mean something, right?  Yeah, he\u2019d rather have bounced back to his normal self, his confident, carefree and ABLE self, but that was impossible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

John was still angry with Carson and that specialist for telling him that he wasn\u2019t allowed to go back to work at the SGC due to his injuries. He realized that they\u2019d probably have made him retire anyway if he hadn\u2019t been hurt, because of his tendency to do stupid things when feeling down. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He felt like crap, maybe it was for the best if he\u2019d just end it all, but he didn\u2019t want to leave Teyla. He couldn\u2019t help but feeling guilty about disappearing when she asked (or begged) him not to leave them, something inside of him had shattered when she had said that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He was tired of crying when he called room service to bring him more alcohol. He wasn\u2019t drunk enough yet, he wanted to get completely wasted and forget about his pain for a while. Forget about about the uselessness of his life, the emptiness that he felt, and act like the pathetic jerk he was, but didn\u2019t show his friends.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was 7 am when someone finally knocked on the hotel room door and he staggered to open it – okay, so maybe there had been more alcohol in that mini bar than he had anticipated – thinking that it would be room service, only to find Carson standing in front of him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Damn the tracker<\/em>, he thought. He had forgotten about the subcutaneous tracker that came standard with signing the release forms and contracts for joining the Stargate program. \u201cTell me that you\u2019ve at least brought alcohol,\u201d John greeted his friend and stepped aside to let Carson into the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAre you out of your mind?!\u201d Carson ranted as soon as the door closed. \u201cTeyla\u2019s worried sick about you!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019ve only been gone for a couple of hours… relax…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMake that days, Colonel.\u201d Carson glared at him. \u201cI hope you had your fun and your pity party, but it\u2019s time for you to go home, and clean yourself up. Eat. Rest and feel fresh again tomorrow, as tomorrow you\u2019ve got a memorial to attend to.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI haven\u2019t been here for days!\u201d John blurted. \u201cI left the night Teyla told me about Elsa, which was yesterday.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat was Monday, yes. It\u2019s Thursday,\u201d Carson said worriedly. \u201cAre you okay?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI was until you showed up,\u201d John grunted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHave you had lapses in time before?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t believe it\u2019s Thursday,\u201d John said. \u201cSo, no, I haven’t.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Carson threw today\u2019s paper at him. \u201cSee for yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

John mouthed an \u2018Oh\u2019 when he managed to read the small date printed on the paper. \u201cTeyla could have called me when she was worried,\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cShe has, I have, Ronon has,\u201d Carson said. \u201cYou weren\u2019t picking up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLet\u2019s pay for your room shall we? I\u2019ll take you home.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The moment he staggered into the apartment he got assaulted by Teyla, first hitting him a few times in the chest, then kicking his legs before she flung her arms around him and started to sob. \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d he muttered. \u201cI didn\u2019t know…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Carson managed to pry Teyla off John and then pushed John into his room. \u201cI need to check if he\u2019s alright, Teyla, then you can hurt him in any way you see fit.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want to hurt him.\u201d Teyla said in a tiny voice, happy that Torren was spending the day with Ronon. \u201cThis is the exact reason that I\u2019m not letting him out without knowing where he is or where he\u2019s going to, Carson,\u201d she said. \u201cHe sometimes still forgets things or wanders off and then comes home all disorientated.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHe had raided the mini bar in the hotel, and assaulted a few of the staff, I\u2019m actually surprised that they called Cheyenne Mountain instead of the police.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI should never have told him…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not your fault, Teyla,\u201d Carson soothed her. \u201cJohn needs to find a way to deal with his emotions. He used to do that by sparring with you or Ronon, or running around on Atlantis.\u00a0 Those aren’t options for him anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teyla nodded and sighed. \u201cPerhaps we moved too quickly with getting him on his feet? Do you think we should continue?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh yes, but now, let me check him out, I think he must have fallen asleep by now.\u201d Carson smiled warmly at Teyla before he disappeared into John’s room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d John muttered when Carson started to examine him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou might be,\u201d Carson said as he sat down on the bed. \u201cBut still, I\u2019d like to take you in to make some scans of your head.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNot necessary, I\u2019m fine. Just drunk.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJohn…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCarson, I\u2019m drunk.\u201d John looked at him. \u201cThat\u2019s all, I\u2019ll be fine and back to my usual self tomorrow, I promise.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The doctor sighed heavily. \u201cThat\u2019s our point. We are concerned about your usual self…\u201d Carson looked at Teyla and quietly asked her to get some bottles of water so that their friend could begin the process of rehydrating himself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLook… I misbehaved, I get that,\u201d John groaned and pulled the pillow over his head. \u201cI\u2019m working my ass off otherwise to satisfy the rest of you, I\u2019m fine, I just slipped up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teyla came back looking tired and emotionally drained. \u201cOther than – this – he has been doing well. As you said, he previously had an outlet for his emotions…Would it be good if I began training with him again? It might help us both.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAye, it might, if you\u2019d take it slow.\u201d Carson nodded and lifted the pillow off John\u2019s head and pushed a bottle of water in his face. \u201cDrink.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes, otherwise I will call the SGC and have them lock you up in that padded room,\u201d the doctor argued.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think I care at this point.\u201d John decided to humor Carson anyway and unscrewed the bottle before making the effort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019re one depressing drunk,\u201d Carson told him and handed him another bottle when John drained the first in one go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBetter than a touchy-feely drunk,\u201d John retorted and sighed, taking the other bottle and drinking that too. \u201cSatisfied?\u201d he glared at Carson.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The doctor shook his head no<\/em> but said nothing. Opening another bottle he handed it over while Teyla watched on from across the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAre you trying to drown me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou need to get re-hydrated, you\u2019ll feel better,\u201d Carson said, wondering when John would drink up the bottle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd piss like a horse in an hour.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m not the one who decided to get drunk, now drink up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He sighed and drained the bottle, then nearly vomited the water right out again, but he managed to keep it inside. \u201cCarson, one more bottle and I will throw up on you,\u201d he warned as he lay back down, groaning, and feeling sick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGood. Serves you right,\u201d Carson replied and left for Teyla to tend to the man.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teyla managed a chuckle when she pulled the covers over the fully clothed – and slightly smelly – Colonel. \u201cRest, you have the entire day and night to sober up before the memorial tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m not–\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes, you are<\/em>, Colonel.\u201d Teyla hit him on the head and put the pillow back over his head. \u201cSleep well.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

John tightened the grip on his P90, not sure who to shoot first; Ladon or his lackey. \u201cLet. Her. Go,\u201d he said, trying to control his anger.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo no, I think I might give her a try myself,\u201d he growled with a grin as he attempted to unbuckle his pants. \u201cSuch a pretty thing…\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This time, though, as he managed to shoot the soldier, Teyla took out Ladon Radim. He felt a perverse sense of happiness when he pulled Elsa in his arms and kissed her senseless while Teyla insisted that they make their way towards the gate. \u201cI\u2019ll never leave you now, you\u2019ve saved my life!\u201d Elsa laughed.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

John woke up crying, trying to find his bearings. Right, he was in bed. His own bed. Elsa wasn\u2019t here. Of course not. She\u2019s dead<\/em>, he told himself and got out of bed. He needed to piss, and to take a shower. Then, he\u2019d make himself some fried eggs with ham and cheese and a big mug of coffee to make him feel better. He was definitely hung over and didn\u2019t know what time it was, and he honestly didn\u2019t care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He got rid of his smelly clothes by putting them in the hamper in the bathroom and stepped under the shower. For months he had to wash himself while sitting down, and now that he was able to stand, he was able to finish much quicker. After his shower, he went to shave himself – Carson had been right, he had been in that hotel room for days, according to his beard – and felt a lot better when he got into clean clothes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Time for a good anti-hangover breakfast,<\/em> he thought as he made his way to the kitchen where he found Teyla making tea. \u201cGood day, John,\u201d she chuckled. \u201cYou\u2019ve slept well.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI have?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI was about to come and wake you myself,\u201d Teyla said. \u201cCarson is picking us up in an hour to go to the SGC.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI slept that long?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes. It is good to see you in good spirits, we are going to need that today.\u201d Teyla shifted over to make room for him at the stove.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He slowly nodded as he started to break an egg into the frying pan. \u201cWould you like some?\u201d he asked and pointed at the pan as he grabbed the ham and cheese.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teyla made a face and shook her head as she stirred in her tea.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYour loss,\u201d John shrugged.  He was already dreading the memorial. It was going to be hard for all of them, and it was times like these where he secretly wished that he wasn\u2019t, hadn\u2019t been, a high ranking officer so that he could skip the whole thing. Since Woolsey and Carter hadn\u2019t made it out\/through the gate\/something like that, he had<\/em> to go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhile you were… out, the last couple of days,\u201d Teyla started, \u201cthe family of Amelia Banks made the decision to take her off life support.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh hell…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI worry for Ronon. Even though he and Amelia separated before we returned to the Pegasus Galaxy, he did love her.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYeah…\u201d John sighed, wondering when the endless body count of the Genii siege of Atlantis would end. Probably soon, he realized, as the only one still in the infirmary was Captain Vega, and she wasn\u2019t conscious; with her, it was a question IF she\u2019d ever wake up again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJohn?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDid you ever contact your brother or your ex-wife, informing them about your return?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No, he didn\u2019t. He shrugged and lowered the fire on the stove as he grabbed a few slices of bread. \u201cThey wouldn\u2019t care.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJohn…\u201d Teyla rolled her eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo, Teyla, they wouldn\u2019t.\u201d John cursed himself for raising his voice. \u201cNancy… well she might, but Dave?\u201d He shook his head. \u201cHe\u2019d be telling everyone the same thing he\u2019s been saying my entire life: that I had it coming.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She looked at him. \u201cI thought you had resolved your problems with him after your father\u2019s death.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo… we reached a mutual understanding about dad\u2019s money and my intentions for being at the funeral, that\u2019s it. I\u2019m still the black sheep of the family.\u201d He didn\u2019t really care about it either. Sure, he could always call Dave, say \u2018hi\u2019 and then what? He didn\u2019t want to deal with his biological family. He had a new family now, but he had his own that cared about him, even if he didn\u2019t know why they did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just before Carson was due to arrive, Teyla took Torren to one of John\u2019s neighbors who had agreed to watch the boy while they attended the services. Heading down the in elevator to go to the car, the mood between John and Teyla was quite somber and dark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

During the memorial service, John was glad to see that there was one piece of good news as well; Stackhouse received a promotion for his heroics and leaped from being a Sergeant to being a Master Sergeant. John agreed wholeheartedly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

John kept to himself, occasionally comforting Teyla, and tried not to listen to the words General Landry spoke. When they were all in the mess hall for coffee after the memorial service, John decided to sit in a corner quietly and drink his coffee, biding his time, waiting for Teyla and Carson to return back home. Remembering what happened on Atlantis was still hard for him, and he had wanted to throw up when Landry had named every single casualty during the memorial.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

John went as far as thanking Stackhouse for saving his ass and congratulating him on his promotion during the time they were in the mess hall, but that was it. He only wanted to get out of there and move on the best he could. If he was able to, he\u2019d probably walk away from everyone, everything that would remind him of Atlantis and Elsa, but he couldn\u2019t. In a way, he was responsible for Teyla as it was their agreement all those years ago when they planned for a scenario such as this if they had to evacuate to Earth and she was separated from her people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Having had enough, he went looking for her, despite the fact that Carson was their ride home. He\u2019d just pay for a taxi. John found her talking to someone from SG-10 in the gateroom. \u201cHey, want to go?\u201d he asked, his tone clear that he needed to get far away from there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAlright, John,\u201d Teyla agreed. \u201cI will find Carson.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNah, let him stay and chat. I\u2019ll pay for a taxi,\u201d John said, carefully avoiding looking at the stargate behind him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell, did you call for one already? I\u2019m sure Carson wouldn\u2019t mind…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He looked at her steadily. Of course he would have called because whether she wanted to leave or not, he was. \u201cI need to get out of here, Teyla.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI was just wondering,\u201d Teyla said. \u201cLet\u2019s go then.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

John was relieved when they finally got home, he could breathe again, but he felt extremely tired. He let himself fall onto the couch and didn\u2019t plan on getting up for the next few hours as he kicked off his shoes. He was still feeling as if he could snap or freak out at any moment but at least he was in a safe environment now, no guns could accidentally go off, and no Stargate for any threat to come through.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m going to pick up Torren, and then I\u2019ll be taking him for food shopping, is there anything you wish to have for dinner tonight?\u201d Teyla inquired, as she looked at the \u2018sack of potatoes\u2019 sitting on the couch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m not really hungry, Teyla,\u201d he said softly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThen we\u2019ll be having chicken,\u201d Teyla said. \u201cI\u2019ll make sure to get slices of Turkey for you so you can make a sandwich if you\u2019d like.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThanks.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

A month later, John had found a job in a store as one of the maintenance men. He wasn\u2019t good at it, but they agreed to let him work for them for minimum wage and teach him some things here and there, but it wasn\u2019t what John wanted. He didn\u2019t mind the minimum wages, he had enough money, he hated it that whenever something fell, his entire body tensed up and scared the shit out of him. He also hated interacting with the customers, which he tried not to, but they kept asking him things that he couldn\u2019t possibly know and had \u201cYou can go and ask a teller, ma\u2019am,\u201d in his head as a default response.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sure, he could probably get a better job, since he had a college degree, but he didn\u2019t see the point. He was actually surprised that the department store hadn\u2019t fired him on his second day after he nearly crushed the larynx of one of his co-workers when he poked John in the back with a broomstick. He suspected that General Landry had given them a heads up and paid the man some \u2018danger\u2019 money or something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today, had been a bad day. There were crying children all over the department store when he was on his ladder trying to replace a broken light bulb, he could feel the ladder wobble whenever the other children, hyped up on sugar, decided to run around it, annoying the hell out of him. He loved children, he loved Torren, who was a model child compared to little rats he was currently dealing with. He managed to replace the light bulb, but he decided to quit there and then. At least he had tried.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On his way back home, he bought Torren a new toy he had seen on TV, and bought some expensive chocolate to bribe Teyla with in case she got angry with him for quitting his job. He\u2019d try to find something else, he\u2019d promise that, and he just hoped it required a minimum of spending time with other people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhy won\u2019t you offer yourself up as a guest lecturer for colleges?\u201d Daniel Jackson suggested that night at dinner. \u201cI mean, I do it all the time.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat\u2019s because you have PhD\u2019s in just about everything,\u201d John pointed out. \u201cI have a BA from Stanford, with a major in economics.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThen do something with your economics stuff,\u201d Daniel shrugged.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cToo boring,\u201d John chuckled as he took a bite out of his stupid<\/em> chicken. Teyla had learned many ways to prepare chicken, and her home-made Italian chicken was better than the one she used to order from the Italian restaurant. He still hated chicken, though, just as Teyla couldn\u2019t stomach steaks. He was convinced that it couldn\u2019t be healthy to eat chicken at least three times a week.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She rolled her eyes as she smiled at Daniel before getting up to clear the table. \u201cThen what would you like to do? You enjoy cooking at times, how about the small diner down the street? I heard they were looking for some help,\u201d Teyla suggested.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He winced at the thought of working at the diner but smiled anyway. \u201cSure Teyla, I\u2019ll go and have a look tomorrow,\u201d he replied, not telling her that what he wanted<\/em>, was something he wasn\u2019t allowed<\/em> to, or couldn\u2019t<\/em> do anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI would have thought that the SGC would have helped you find something,\u201d Daniel commented, shaking his head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThey probably don\u2019t know what to do with me,\u201d John shrugged. \u201cAnd I haven\u2019t asked. I try to avoid the SGC as much as I can, I don\u2019t want to torture myself.\u201d Well, he did, but not full-blown Stargate torture; being there reminded him of Atlantis, and that was wrong. However, unknown to Teyla, he had stopped by the shooting range one day, and had started to practice to shoot again. Not that he didn\u2019t know how to shoot a gun, but he needed to learn to work it with his bad eye, and he was making a lot of progress with it. Maybe, in the future, he could go and work for a security firm or something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The diner had been a bust, they made him clean up after the patrons first, and clean the toilets and all the shitty work they made you do when you had no experience whatsoever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He tried to work at a video rental store next, surprised to see that there still was such a thing, but the kid he worked with liked war movies and had the most recent release of some movie on repeat all day on a big screen and he nearly punched the kid for finding it \u2018awesome\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the end, he just gave up trying to look for a suitable job and spent most of his days outside, walking around the park in town and feeding pigeons, only to make Teyla think that he was actually keeping a job this time around as an ice cream vendor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One day when John came to the park, he found General Landry feeding his<\/em> pigeons. \u201cThe handy thing of a tracker is that we can see where you are at all times, Colonel,\u201d General Landry said smiling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLast I knew, I wasn\u2019t a Colonel anymore, General.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019ll always be a Colonel. You\u2019re just not an active one. That\u2019s something completely different.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

John shrugged and sat down on the bench next to the General.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFancy ice cream cart you have.\u201d Landry pointed at the loaf of bread John was holding in his hands.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYeah, it could use a little paint…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cJohn, I\u2019ve been following your every move… well, almost every move, in the past few weeks. How\u2019s the shooting going?\u201d He smiled and threw some more seed on the ground.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He winced. \u201cThat was something I didn\u2019t want anyone to know about…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou didn\u2019t answer the question.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGetting there,\u201d John eventually said, knowing that he was fighting a losing battle with the man. \u201cMy percentage is at about 85% or so.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Landry nodded. \u201cThat\u2019s good to hear. There – may be a job that you can do for the SGC and IOA…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/a><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Chapter 02 It had been a week since Carson had sent him \u2018home\u2019, making a strict schedule of what therapy he had to go to and when, and it was already driving him nuts. After Dr. Cale had examined him at the SGC and Carson dumped the damn ugly truth…<\/p>\n

Continue reading<\/i><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1082,"parent":1081,"menu_order":1,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-1088","page","type-page","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry"],"yoast_head":"\nChapter 02 - MeekoBuggy<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Chapter 02 - MeekoBuggy\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Chapter 02 It had been a week since Carson had sent him \u2018home\u2019, making a strict schedule of what therapy he had to go to and when, and it was already driving him nuts. After Dr. Cale had examined him at the SGC and Carson dumped the damn ugly truth... 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